When you’re in Miami and single, dating is irrefutably a one-of-a-kind shitshow, complete with lifelong bachelors, grown women in comically large hoop earrings, foreign transplants, 30-somethings who live at home, cougars, and A LOT of funny stories. So if you’re new to the Miami area, new to the dating scene, or even worse, both -- fear not! We’ve got your back. Before you venture out into the concrete jungle that is “the 305,” here are all of the people you’ll inevitably fumble around conversations with.
The Party Girl
Neighborhood: Coral Gables. Wait, actually, the Tri Delta house at UM.
You’ll meet her at LIV. She’s that girl in the tight Bebe dress who accidentally grinds up on you when you cross the dance floor to get to your table. You smile and tell her it’s OK when she bats her eyes, giggles, and says, “Ohmaigosh. I’m like SO sorry!” The flirtatious looks continue throughout the night, and after a Bacardi & Coke, you get the urge to invite her and her hot friends to join you and your friends. You know nothing about her except that she just moved here from Boston and is only 21. None of this matters as you order your third Bacardi & Coke to keep the conversation flowing. Your two friends have since disappeared with her two friends. Plus, she’s a total 10.
Your first date: Drinks at Hyde Beach. Yes, she knows the SoBe scene, but she’s also 21, so you know drinks are enough. You ask her what she’s studying, only to find out it’s some vague communications degree and her real plan is to be an Instagram model. She tells you she has 2,894 followers as of that morning (not that she’s counting), which you help her boost to 3K that night by taking pictures of her dancing on the bar.
Your inevitable breakup: Her hotness aside, you’re broaching 30 and can’t rage like her. Plus, you miss your solid Friday night routine of pizza, beer, and House of Cards Netflix binges. When you tell her this, she claims “pizza is the enemy” for her Instagram career, and you decide you have no room for that kind of negativity in your life.