Since nothing's more fragile than relationships not based on raging superficiality, there's Soul2Match. A just-launched service that swears happy couples have a similar level of hotness (it's science!), it's basically the anti-eHarmony, and would likely tell that gray-hair on the commercials that he isn't even up to Carrie Fisher levels after letting Soul analyze 1000 parts of his & his potential mate's faces, and watching it spit out a compatibility score. And because he's way too demure to ever do it himself, we signed up former Heat coach/perennial sexpot Stan Van Gundy, and compared him to some possible partners. The results!
Gisele Bundchen Compatibility Score: 37% Soul2Match Comment: "Nice, you can stand a lot!" Editor’s Comment: Apparently those cryptic words mean the Stan Gundy 'Stache is almost 40% as sexy as Tom Brady's girl-hair.
Ariel The Little Mermaid Compatibility Score: 0% Soul2Match Comment: "Ai! Sorry, you do not match at all!" Editor’s Comment: You'd think these two would have sooo much to talk about, since they both call Orlando home much of the year, but that's missing the entire point of this service. Also, the fact that she's a cartoon and can only dine in restaurants with larger fish tanks kinda makes it hard for Stan the Man to Kiss the Girl.
Pat Riley Compatibility Score: 54% Soul2Match Comment: "Pretty good!" Editor’s Comment: Sure, Pat Riley fired Stan. But apparently they look enough alike to at least try and give it another go! If Riley just grew some facial hair, and Van Gundy slicked his hair back all nice, it's quite possible that they'd be so perfect for each other, even Stan's brother Jeff couldn't keep them apart if he clutched onto Stan's ankle while splayed out on the ground.
This Service Ships You Food From ANYWHERE in the Country in Just 24 Hours!