Because failed online dating is the only thing more shameful than online dating (jk -- everyone's doing it -- you're hot!), just-launched Cyber Dating Sidekick is basically like Hitch for internet courting, except that instead of Kevin James' hilarious physical humor, it contains solid insight from an attractive Minneapolitan lady/expert who promises to turn "late nights in front of the laptop to late nights in front of a date" -- assuming you can somehow keep yourself from searching for new "Bed Intruder" remixes at dinner. The range of services include:
Profile Critiques: Let her corral and assess your online presence with the "Golden Lasso", provide a sample audience of potential daters to review and critique your profile, or go all-out with a "one-on-one coaching session that will train you in deftly critiquing and decoding your matches' profiles so you're not wasting your time on hollering into an empty cave," unless of course your bizarre yodeling fetish means that's the kind of girl you're looking for.
Profile Creation: Should you want help rebuilding after she's e-torn you down, nab a complete profile rewrite and photo refresh (get ready to pose next to hot people you don't know!), while the Power Pirate package will help you pick the right dating site, customize a profile for it, including answering its specific prompts in way that'll make the fawning women say... "Arrr"?
Messaging: Your initial virtual sexiness established, she'll then help you respond to second-round date inquiries with a basics primer, or even ghost-write your emails, assuming her hands don't keep whooshing right through the keyboard.
Because sex/marriage requires eventually actually meeting this chick, CDS also offers coaching covering real-live dates, or will provide you a discreet shadow who'll intervene "should a crisis – or just plain utter boredom – arise" but will otherwise remain hidden, much like your kids and your wife.