Dating really sucks sometimes. And chances are it’s because you’re stuck in a rut of going on lame, totally legal, by-the-book dates. A much more exciting option than boring bar trivia or monotonous movie nights would probably be to walk on the wild side, and do one of these totally illegal things that we in no way, shape, or form, condone.
The date: Night jumping -- or more likely “night view-enjoying” -- at the Hyland Hills ski jump
How to pull it off even though it’s illegal and we’ve repeatedly told you not to do illegal things: Step 1, wait for winter. Step 2, it’s super desolate over there and not all that well-fortified, so you can basically just pull up close on Bush Lake Rd, grab your skis/poles/Thermos full of hot toddies, hop minimal fencing, hike to the top of the ski jump, totally puss out on actually going off it, and sit there and enjoy the view.
Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing. Probably some sort of man-law involving emasculating yourself.
The date: Have cocktails in The Walkway’s hot tub, cantilevered over Lake St in Uptown.
How to pull it off despite us very clearly advising against it: The legal way would be to become a resident of The Walkway. The illegal way, which we would never, ever advocate for, is to pretend you are a resident of The Walkway, wait for an actual resident to come home, and casually follow them in like you’re supposed to be there.
Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing. Unabashedly doing a bro-like thing in Uptown.
The date: Boozy Valleyfair day
How to pull it off despite us sitting you down and telling you you’ve turned to a life of crime: Strap a Camelback bladder full of vodka to your upper thigh. Buy a gigantic, souvenier cup of Mountain Dew. Tap your contraband bladder that we wish you hadn’t brought into the park with you into said cup. Repeat as needed.
Laws you’d be breaking: Public intoxication. Flagrant violation of park rules.
The date: Eat dinner in your own personal Fortress of Solitude, behind frozen Minnehaha Falls.
How to do this thing that is so against the law that we are practically begging you not to do it: Hike down the steps at Minnehaha Falls where you will see a flaccid chain holding a “No Trespassing” sign. Although we encouraged you not to, step over said sign and carefully work your way around the falls’ rim until you are behind it.
Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing. Probably one of nature’s many laws.
The date: Have, uh, fun, in the Champagne room.
How to pull it off despite our explicit statements of disapproval: Take your date to a bar with a good Champagne list. Treat yo’self, and enjoy some bubbly for a bit. Eventually, even though we would not do this if we were you, make your way to the stockroom/cellar. Proceed with caution. Are you even listening to us anymore?!
Laws you’d be breaking: Indecent exposure. Lewd behavior. Trespassing. Copyright infringement from a Chris Rock song, probably.
The date: Present your significant other with a dozen roses you picked yourself.
How to pull it off despite repeated threats to report you to authorities: Walk around Lake Harriet later in the evening. Walk through the Rose Garden with your date to verify nobody is around, then continue your walk around the lake only to exclaim “Crap, I must’ve dropped my phone back there! Wait here under this light while I run pack to grab it.” Then, run back, pull out the pocket knife you brought for just this occasion, lop off 12 in an inconspicuous area, and promptly deliver them to your surprised and smitten date.
Laws you’d be breaking: Intentional damage to public property. Tresspassing.
The date: Go/stay green at MOA for an entire day.
How to pull it off even though that’s technically only legal in Minnesota for certain medical maladies: Chapstick, vape, baked into sweets -- there are a million and one ways to keep it on the DL nowadays.
Laws you’d be breaking: Possession. Lack of faith that a day at MOA could be fun enough to provide you with natural good times.
The date: Drive a truck with muddy tires around Minnetonka, then stop for dinner.
How to pull it off, even though we don’t really care if you do this one: Drive through a muddy field in, or around, Minnetonka and then drive all around the city streets mocking law enforcement, showing your date your rebellious side and the fact you’re more than just some affable nerd with a really expensive Hess truck collection.
Laws you’d be breaking: City statute 845.010. You probably won’t get arrested for driving around with muddy tires, but hey, at least you can add “outlaw” to your Tinder profile.
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