Pick-Up Techniques That Don’t Work After College

My last big drinking night was a septic tank of crappy college-dating-etiquette déjà vu. A pretty, long-legged girlfriend of mine was in the middle of a backward-capped bro cluster when one Prince Charming broke off to give me some constructive criticism: “You and your friend are gorgeous, but she’s approachable. You need to smile more.” I scoffed: “Good thing I don’t want you to approach me.” He told me to buy him a drink. I said no. So he asked for my number. 

Once upon a time, this guy’s negging might have worked. But there’s a reason why you can’t use the same ridiculous pick-up maneuvers on a woman as you could on that cute co-ed you convinced to wrestle in a kiddie pool in front of you and your friends in college. A woman has been through the gamut of Netflix and chills. She knows her worth. She’s aiming for great love or mind-blowing sex -- nothing less. So do us all a favor and steer clear of the following tactics. They may have worked in college, but they’re not going to work now.

We are telling your mother.
 

A woman carries herself confidently. She knows that even the handsomest of strangers have no right to shove their critique down her throat.
 

So that Victoria’s Secret model won’t buy you a drink? But you were so nice! FYI, “nice” is a bare minimal requirement. There’s nothing wrong with being a little frumpy, smelly, chubby, nerdy, or socially awkward; but there is something wrong with expecting a woman to meet any standard that you don’t. 
 

Until we have gone on a date and built a rapport -- or verbally expressed a clear intention to take you home -- please don’t touch our bodies or possessions. Bette Davis would have slapped you 10 minutes ago.
 

Whether it’s, “You’re the hottest thing in this room,” or “You are way too good for that guy,” the subtlest insult is still an insult. Who’s to say you won’t treat us the way you treat them?

Any female who warmly responds to your whistles, shouts, or animal noises will deservingly steal your wallet and give you chlamydia.
 

It’s a lose-lose situation. Even if we like you, your advances make us look unprofessional. Be polite and discreetly leave us a note with your number and an invitation to dinner.
 

Tell us we’re beautiful, but only after you’ve shown interest in our personalities, humor and intellect. Wise women know that pretty people are a dime a dozen.

You know when you go to Whole Foods and have to figure out how to get past that crazy, NYPIRG worker with clipboard standing in the entrance and ordering you to sign a petition? That’s how women feel when you petition your dick for us at a gas station, bus stop or sidewalk. Take a moment to read our body language. Sometimes we are just trying to exist without stumbling over your testosterone.

You can time your approach perfectly, say the most charming, witty things and emulate the perfect dose of confidence -- but at the end of the day, your phoniness might as well be painted on your forehead. There is no substitution for authenticity.

Carry full intentions to honor and respect us. Master the art of seduction. Be sweet. Be genuine. Be real.

And please, you need to smile more.

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Maggie is a Navy veteran, Berkeley graduate, author of Just Another Number, and sex-positive feminist who’s had it up to here with negging. Keep up with her at The Maggie Young.