In Bed With Gigi Engle

In Bed With Gigi Engle: Am I in the Friend Zone?

In bed with Gigi Engle
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Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: We want to hear it all.

For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com.

Hi Gigi,

I'm a guy who's waited a few years already for a girl. I've just always felt she was "the one." We met in high school when I was a senior and she was a freshman, now I'm 21 in college in the same town and she's 18 and a senior in HS.

I don't think I'm in the friend zone because we still have the little quirky-flirty things that people who are romantically interested have. And there is always a real, undeniable romantic tension. However, we have never been anything more than friends.

Despite receiving a 110% acceptance rating from her family, she is totally hot 'n' cold. At first it was because I came on pretty strong and she's said she thinks I should date someone more my age. That was nearly three years ago and since then my technique has greatly improved and become more subtle.

I'm waiting healthily; I do go on dates and have had relationships with other people in this same time, it's just that this girl is really my goal and that won't change until I finally get her... or until I give up.  

I'm capable of waiting forever, but more realistically, until I graduate in a few years. I just want a sincere opinion and some advice for better or worse; am I missing some obvious red flags and am in the friend zone?

-- L

Hey L,

You say there is real romantic tension and so I want to fully analyze this situation. Like many guys before you, you're trapped in the no man's land of dating.

The friend zone sucks major ass. If you're in the friend zone, there is truly no getting out of it. I can't stress this to guys enough. It means she is not sexually attracted to you. It's not something you can force your way into and no amount of doting on her is going to make her change her mind.

Her friendship really should be enough for you if she's a cool person, but if you desperately want more, you should just move on because the friendship will never be enough for you, and your interest in her is awkward for her. Go find someone who doesn't want to just be friends, if that's what you want.

The friend zone sucks major ass. If you're in the friend zone, there is truly no getting out of it.

Your case is layered and complicated. You have to realize that this isn't an adult person you're dealing with here. She's in high school. When I was 18, I was a complete idiot. I thought I knew everything about everything (don't we all), but alas I did not. You won't even recognize the person you are at 25 compared to 22. And don't even get me started on 30 compared to 25.

Let's take a little trip down Auntie G's memory lane. My boyfriend and I have a similar age difference to you and this girl. The thing is though, 25 and 30 is completely, 100% different from 18 and 21. It is lightyears away maturity-wise. I know it sounds arbitrary and "age is just a number," but the amount of growing up you do in your 20s is ASTRONOMICAL.

I met my boyfriend five years ago but we started dating two years ago. When we met, he was 26 and a total fuckboy. He's 30 and so much more mature now.

I'm really happy to hear you're dating around because I think it's VERY important that you do that. Here is why: This girl is not going to be ready to date you EVEN in a few years when you graduate. At that point, she'll just be starting college and isn't going to want a boyfriend who's out of college (or maybe any boyfriend at all). She needs to explore and learn about herself and you've got to let her do that.

I know you want to wait around, but you really shouldn't do that. You'll go insane. She hasn't told you she wants to date you or that she even likes you. This may sound harsh, but this is probably not going to work out.

I know you want to wait around, but you really shouldn't do that. You'll go insane.

Big picture: You say she's "the one," but you're 21, and in college. You have absolutely no idea what "the one" is, you feel me? I thought "the one" was some asshole I dated at 15 who took my virginity and then slept with one of my friends. Clearly, I was mistaken.

This girl is not into nice guys (like you) right now because that's not what a high school girl wants. She wants an asshole because she doesn't have the self-awareness or self-esteem to know or want anything else. She wants the jocky dickwad who's "hard to get" because it's a challenge, and immature girls want a challenge.

They don't understand the "good guy" and the value of a super-nice and sweet guy until they actually look at themselves and are like, "Oh, wait. Being treated like shit actually sucks. I'm not going to stand for that nonsense anymore." You have to get dumped on a LOT before you change your ways. Such is the way of the world.

She's not there yet and it could be a long, long time before she is.

I don't know if this girl likes you or not, but it seems like she definitely isn't looking to date, at least for right now. It sounds like she's probably confused about her feelings. She's 18, that's pretty normal.
Friend zone? Maybe not. She's definitely not interested. Eighteen-year-old girls are boy-crazy and she'd be all over you if she were down. I wouldn't think of this as "giving up," but more as just accepting reality, even if it sucks and you wish it were different.

You've got to go out and meet people. Stop pining over a girl in high school. I agree with this girl that you should be hanging out with girls your own age. Go out and get laid. Learn about yourself for a few years.
It really is not going to happen right now and I don't want a cool 21-year-old kid wasting his time on a girl who has pretty clearly indicated that she isn't having it.

Are you missing a red flag? Yes, the biggest red flag of all: She hasn't been into it and hasn't told you she wants to date. This means she DOES NOT want to date. Plain and simple.

Love your favorite internet auntie,
Gigi XOXO

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