The condom conundrum
While it would be socially irresponsible of me to tell you not to use condoms during your backdoor excursions, I will tell you that it’s relatively common for them to break. It’s not one’s fault, just anatomy. That area is tighter than TSA; even with lube, latex is no match for the human sphincter. Personally, I don’t love the idea of any remnants of a foreign object floating around my lower intestine. So whether you use condoms or not, it’s imperative that you and your partner be very real with one another about your sexual health before you get down... or behind. The unfortunate fact is that given the nature of the tissue back there, certain STDs are more easily contracted anally than they are vaginally or orally. So check yo’ self and your partner before the two of you wreck your medical histories.
Prepare yourself for the aftermath
Before it was an entrance, the backdoor was an exit... and we all know for what. Understand that you may leave the festivities with an unwanted party favor. This has never happened to me personally, but I lived in West Hollywood long enough to hear a few stories. If it does happen, don’t be a dick about it. Also, if this is your first time on the receiving end, you may notice some very light bleeding afterward. Don’t panic or get on WebMD. This is very common and is the result of minor tears called fissures. But if the bleeding exceeds anything more than what you’d expect from a bad paper cut, or if you’re in any serious pain, seek medical attention.
Make it your last stop on the tour
It’s like the saying goes: once you go back... you don’t go anywhere else until you wash your penis. Again, this isn’t porn, and no one is getting paid to go ass to mouth. It almost definitely won’t kill you, but it’s not a fun way to get E. coli. That’s what taco trucks are for. Also, going from anal to vaginal penetration can be a recipe for a UTI. So hole-hop at your own risk if you’re not rinsing off in between.
Don’t judge yourself for liking it
While it’s definitely not everybody’s cup of tea, anal sex (I’m out of innuendos) can help deliver some incredibly powerful orgasms for men and women alike -- and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even if it doesn’t always feel great, it can still be incredibly intimate. That’s precisely why, despite all the gross stuff I mentioned, people still do it. So if you’re curious, take the plunge. Just remember to ask first.
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Julia Reiss is a writer and stand-up comedian who’s just trying to make the world a better place, one dick joke at a time. Follow her on Twitter: @thereisspiece.