Sex & Dating

Sex Tips for Boring People: Shower Sex, Orgasms, and Curvature

Published On 09/24/2015 Published On 09/24/2015
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Sex Tips for Boring People will take your sex life from vanilla to passion fruit. Or at least from vanilla to vanilla bean. Find more sexy advice right here.

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Why is shower sex so terrible?

Because as much as you want to think you have sex like a porn star, you do not. Sure, shower sex looks great in movies because it’s all soapy and steamy and somehow her makeup stays flawless even as she is pelted in the face with beads of water, but in actual practice, there are a few factors that make shower sex a tad... terrible.

First, water is not a lubricant. Though you might feel wet, slippery, and sensual on the outside, on the inside things will catch, cling, and chafe, which for the record, is NOT GREAT FOR SEX. This reason should be enough to wipe the ridiculous notion of shower sex out of your mind, but in case you need more let’s continue.

That whole “height difference” thing is also real issue. Unless you’re He-Man, you aren’t lifting her up against the shower wall like you saw in [INSERT FAVORITE PORN]. And unless you are 76 years old and have a shower stool, this means you’re relegated to doing it from behind while she awkwardly has her leg up on the side of the tub and is most likely shaking with discomfort as she tries to hold her balance. Hot. And lastly, someone is always going to be in the water and someone is always going to not be in the water, which means one of you is freezing, and that also is not the ideal forecast for sexy times. Shower sex is just really, really not good.

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If I want to know if somebody had an orgasm, what’s the appropriate thing to call it?

"Did you come?" Period. There's no need to get cute or consult your list of clever euphemisms. No, that was not my "O Face," and hopefully you did not "splooge," "blow your load," or "nut off." We came. And it was great. (For the record, the word "climax" should also be stricken from your vocabulary because... ew.)

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Are curved penises normal, and might they actually be an asset in the bedroom?

OMG YOURS IS CURVED?!?!?!                              

Jokes! You’re fine. “Curved penises are totally normal,” says Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex counselor and New York Times best-selling author. There’s no scientifically proven method for sex being necessarily better with a curved penis, but Kerner says, “in theory, an upward or sideways curve could be used to stimulate the G-spot, depending on the position.”

Doctor’s Note: A curve is completely normal unless it’s related to Peyronie’s disease, which sounds like an Italian deli meat but is actually the development of scar tissue inside the penis and can cause painful erections. So if your bend is causing you pain, that is most definitely not normal.

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Meagan Drillinger is a freelancer for Thrillist and has a strong position on hot tub sex, as well. Follow her on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook at @drillinjourneys.

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