1. Did you meet this person on Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, or anything else that could be classified as an app primarily used to locate someone to bang?
2. Was the goal of sex established within the first 10 to 20 minutes of conversation?
3. Could the sex be rated anywhere in the vicinity of “decent” to “satisfactory"?
4. Do most of your sexual encounters happen in the late hours of night solely when alcohol is introduced into either party’s system?
5. Do you have zero intentions of introducing this person to your friends, neighbors, parents, coworkers, siblings, distant relatives, or coffee shop baristas?
6. If this person was kidnapped, would it take you more than a month to notice?
7. When you finally did notice, would you experience a feeling along the lines of how you might feel if your neighbor’s friend’s sister’s cat went missing?