Sex + Dating

The Only Sex Advice Men Need About Women

sex advice for men
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist

Contrary to what every bubble-gummer sex and dating story out there says, there is no single move, position, or sweet nothing whispered into the ear that will elicit a Pavlovian response in every woman.

Human beings get to all be different, which makes things a little more complicated, but infinitely more fun. Yes, to be a Casanova one must have a sound understanding of basic biological mechanisms at play. But beyond that, there's no universal trick to leaving women-folk satisfied.

Still, there's a simple way to improve the odds. If you think a woman is not thoroughly satisfied, and even more so if you think she is thoroughly satisfied: ask her exactly what she wants.

Don't get me wrong -- women should never hesitate to initiate a discussion about what they want in bed. Preferences should be yelled from proverbial rooftops; graffitied onto buildings; spelled out with food and posted to Instagram. But there is something special about partners who put it out there first... and there are plenty of women who aren't comfortable sharing until they're asked. Whether you're having a casual fling or are in a committed relationship, asking a woman about her sexual preferences will have many positive results. Here's why.

The logical reason: being better in bed

The person who knows best how to get a woman off is that woman herself. She's had years and years of experience, while you might be giving it a go for the first time. Poke around all you want, but the fastest way to make her feel good is to just have her tell you how. This will save you time and effort… and prevent her from blurting out, "Tickling my inner thigh is doing absolutely nothing for me, please leave my house."

The kind reason: showing you have feelings

Another reason you should ask your partner exactly what they want is because it shows that you are truly interested in making them feel good, which is kind and also very sexy. Simply bringing up the topic says that you understand sex is about giving to each other, rather than one person doing all the taking. To be clear, you don't deserve a gold star for understanding that women also want to get pleasure out of sex. But you will get some credit when you demonstrate that it's a priority.

The fun reason: better sex and more of it

The most fun reason you should ask is because it will improve the sex you are having immensely. When you ask a woman what she wants, you open up a space in which both of you can be honest about your interests and fantasies. This means trying new things and finding out what works and what doesn't.  By starting the discussion, you and your partner will become a collaborative dream team -- like a successful PR firm or presidential cabinet, but for sex.

Obviously, once the conversation happens you both should start having a pretty fantastic time. If you aren't accustomed to being with someone who's really into it, prepare yourself. From fetishists to missionary-positionists, one thing we surely can agree on is that seeing partners truly enjoy themselves is amazing. It's the ultimate turn-on. Also notable: when sex is good, it's bound to happen more often.

How to ask a woman what she wants

If you haven't had an in-depth conversation with a partner about sex before, it can be nerve-racking. The simplest way is to ask in the heat of the moment. Call it dirty talk, if that makes it easier. Just put it out there while things are happening and get ready to adapt quickly. Just know she may be too preoccupied to answer in full.

A more intimate and comprehensive way is to make asking part of pillow talk. You're lying next to each other, the sweat is evaporating from your heaving bodies, and you ask her, "What would you like me to do next time?" This should begin a back-and-forth about preferences, during which you also will have the opportunity to share your interests.

The more open you are about what you want, the more comfortable she will feel. If she suggests something, ask for specifics: when and for how long are good places to start. Soon she'll be describing exactly what she wants you to do to her (and ideally in vivid detail). Talking about sex with a partner can sometimes be the best part of the entire activity. OK, second-best.

Once this discussion gets going it can be sexy enough to inspire another round; which, with your recently acquired knowledge, is going to be better than the first.

What if she doesn't know?

What happens if you've asked the question but she doesn't have an answer? Keep asking. Don't harass her, obviously, but check in occasionally to see if there's anything different you could be doing to make her feel good. Maybe she's genuinely satisfied, but more likely she's working up the nerve to tell you about her sexual preferences.

If you're in a committed relationship and she's uncomfortable discussing this with you, consider whether there's a problem with your communication in general. For couples that have sex, it's a fundamental part of the relationship and something you should be able to talk about honestly.

Now you know the secret. Ask women what they want. Not just regarding sex, either. Ask us what we want in life, what we want out of our careers, and what we want from Taco Bell (Crunchwrap Supreme, duh). It will only serve to make your relationships stronger and your sex life better.

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Jane Garfinkel is a writer in DC who tells guys what she wants in bed too fast for them to ask. Follow her on Twitter for similar boldness @JaneGarfinkel.