For Olympic athletes, the games begin way before the opening ceremony. And by "games," I'm referring to the hot-tub orgies and beer-pong tournaments that infamously go down in Olympic Village year after year. Rio de Janeiro is celebrating its hosting status by distributing a "welcome gift" of 450,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube to the 11,000 athletes competing -- long division tells me this equals 42 condoms per athlete. There's no way even a shirtless Chad le Clos is that charming.
But when speaking to the actual living quarters of Olympic Village, Rio has already dropped the torch. Opening ceremony is just around the corner on August 5th... but some teams, including Argentina and Australia, reported the living conditions to be so uninhabitable, they were forced to decamp and relocate to nearby hotels.
Problems range from blocked toilets and leaking pipes to exposed electrical wiring and strong gas smells, according to a statement released by Australian team Chef de Mission Kitty Chiller, whose team got shafted the biggest (lol).
Um, gross -- and utterly embarrassing for the host city, which is already struggling with the spread of Zika and political disarray. But forget mosquito bites -- the athletes are likely more concerned with the obvious issue at hand: how is anyone supposed to get laid under these ramshackle conditions?
The sex Olympics
For decades, the Olympic Village has served as more than just a roof and place for world-renowned athletes to rest their heads. It's become common knowledge that well before the games start, these housing units turn into a crazy cross between a wild frat house and international sex den. I'm picturing something similar to college spring break -- scantily clad young people having a once-in-a-lifetime good time via beer-funneling, sex-making, and "woooo!"-shouting.
Except at this party, the pool is packed with a bunch of Adonises. And there's no need to worry about awkward, booze-soaked small talk as you attempt to make a "connection" with that Swedish soccer player before getting into her skivvies: everyone in the village innately has something in common. Whether they run, swing on the uneven bars, swim, throw javelins, or jump on trampolines (was anyone else not aware that this is an Olympic event?) -- everyone is the best of the best.
And they all go hard -- in training and in everything in life -- because that's how they qualified for the Olympics in the first place! So the Village is essentially this: a cesspool of exceptionally talented people in the physical prime of their lives looking to hook up, release their pent-up energy and excitement, and make some foggy, sweaty memories.
Getting down (under) and dirty
Panty-dropping accents aside, I imagine the Australian athletes are going to have an especially tough go at getting nookie in Rio. Even if you have six shots of tequila, 42 condoms in your nightstand, and Michelle Jenneke giving you the green light, leaking ceilings and foul stenches from clogged toilets don't exactly set the mood. Who would do the nasty in a room with plumbing conditions reminiscent of a dank motel off Highway 6? Not me -- and especially not an Olympic gymnast who wears glitter on her face.
In an attempt to make light of the situation, Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes impishly suggested he install "a kangaroo in front of their building to make them feel at home." Well, har-de-har-har. What good is a marsupial chiseled out of granite if your head is spinning mid-coitus from the stench of gas?
According to a Rio 2016 spokesperson, more than 600 people are working day and night to have the facilities of all 31 buildings fixed up and running ASAP. I'm sure all the athletes have their fingers crossed that intercontinental sexy-time will still be able to commence in time for the lighting of the torch. Because once again -- a 42-condom-per-person handout is so emphatic, it almost seems like a challenge. And Olympians tend to like those.
But worst-case scenario, I suppose the athletes can look on the bright side: those exposed live wires definitely provide that bedroom danger factor.
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