I’m a big erotica fan.
Lord knows, I read Story of O more than once. But I think we can all agree that there is nothing more nauseating than BAD erotica. And luckily for us, the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards in England parcels out the very worst so we don't have to.
Here are some choice passages from this year’s winners.
“When his hand goes to my breasts, my feet are envious. I slide my hands down his back, all along his spine, rutted with bone like mud ridges in a dry field, to the audacious swell below."
Excuse me. I’m literally puking. “Rutted with bone like mud ridges in a dry field.” ?!?! Shoot me.
“They were in that room, Jason had slammed the door and devoured her with his mouth, his hands, which were everywhere. As if he were ravenous. And she remembered standing in front of him, her dress a puddle on the floor, and how she’d started to shake, her knees knocking together, like she was a virgin, like this was the first time.”
The only time it’s OK to say someone is like a virgin and it’s sexy is when Madonna does it. Sorry, Gayle.
“My prick was a plank stuck to her stomach. With a swerve of her hips, she turned me over and I was on top of her… I was her plaything, which she moved around. Our sexes were ready, poised in expectation, barely touching each other: ballet dancers hovering en pointe.” The author wrote on what I can only assume was acid."
Obviously, this story won for worst sex writing in all the land. I mean, a real, human person actually wrote out the phrase “My prick was a plank in stuck to her stomach.” Way to bring home the gold, Erri!
The awards are definitely not meant to discourage writing about sex and weren’t invented to demonize this kind of delicious narrative. They simply wish to discourage writing about sex BADLY -- and that I can definitely get behind. There is so much bad erotica out there (ahem, Fifty Shades), it’s nice to see people calling it out for the garbage it is.
I’m just sorry I missed these awards. I love a good snapback, especially from a bunch of British people. Can someone invite me to this in 2017? Please?