Tales of Terrible Sex Advice, Courtesy of Reddit
Sex advice is everywhere. OK, it’s mostly on the pages of Cosmopolitan and Elle, but that doesn't make it any more legitimate than what you learned about in health class... unless you learned about sex in the South.
By way of an absolutely out-of-control Reddit thread, we found some of the worst sex advice that's ever been tested out and are now cringing for the rest of our lives.
Please don’t try any of this at home.
The literal blow job
"While dating my ex, who was new to everything, she was told by a friend to chew on ice and blow me as it would feel good. She had never done really anything so when we tried this out, she chewed the ice and literally blew on me. Never put me in her mouth, just blew cold air onto my dick." -- mstrbts
"My ex wife heard it's easier to swallow if you go all the way down as he's cumming. So she gave it a try the next time we got a little wild, she's never liked the taste of cum, or even tolerated it for that matter, so I gave her the courtesy tap, and she goes all the way down, I wasn't expecting it, it did the trick to completely finish me off and I blow my load, she coughed, my cum came out of her nose, then she gagged, then she proceeded to throw my dick up, then throw up all over my junk and between my legs and on my stomach and my pelvic region. it was everywhere. Moral of the story, blow jobs are for before dinner, not after." -- SpartanDoubleZero
"Pre-Internet, someone I knew. His girlfriend had never given him a blowjob when she did she actually blew. No idea how long it lasted but he ran to the bathroom and screamed like was dying. When he finally came out of the bathroom, he said he was pissing air the whole time." -- vidorian
"I was going down on my ex, and he told me to bite his cock, chew it hard. And I did. It was good advice for the person I was with (he seemed to like it well enough), but definitely bad, BAD advice for anyone else. Luckily I have the common sense not to try it with anyone else!” -- luckiest_wasp
"Put an Altoid in your mouth during oral sex, it will feel awesome! No, no it didn't." -- ragbagger
Whipped cream, Vaseline, and tears
"I read something about Vaseline early in the day, but by the time night came around I somehow mixed up the name and thought it was Vicks Vaporub that the article was talking about. So I rubbed it on my boyfriend at the time. I remember he was like I don't know won't that burn... and I was like nooooo I read it in a magazine that it makes it feel better.... Fast forward five minutes and it is my boyfriend in the shower crying trying to remove the burning sensation, but he can't because it is repelling the water, he ends up like purging and crying for a long, long time. I felt like the worst person the world." --ACuriousCreature
"Whipped cream. Fun at first, but then the stench, oh dear oh dear oh dear. The horrible stench of sour milk. And it just wouldn't go away no matter how much we showered." -- ohboywhatnow
"Wearing lingerie. And I don't mean nice lingerie. I mean the is-it-Legs-Avenue-or-is-it-a-Halloween-costume type lingerie. I felt like such an asshole. Demeaning the nursing profession like that." --VampireSurgeon
"I once read on some dumb women's online forum about using a slightly warmed, cored peach on a guy's dick and decided (with approval) to try it on the ex. I warmed the peach lightly in a pan of water, removed the pit, and carried it across the room. I tripped over his pants on the way there (they were on the floor) and threw the peach with tremendous force into his nutsack where it splattered and made a horrible, sickening thwump." -- karmacorn
"When my husband was in Air Force tech school they did regular raids of the dorms for contraband. One time the officer in charge found a 12-inch glass dildo in the freezer in one girl's room. He looked at her in confusion, and she snapped to attention and shouted, ‘I like it cold, sir!’” -- c13h18o2
Medical mishaps and angry Germans
"Pop Rocks blowjobs. I got the idea from fake commercial about a female high school student failing a test. She decided giving head to her teacher would help but the man was unimpressed. She then whips out a pack of Pop Rocks and resumed blowing him. He then turns the F into an A on her test. So my bf and I stayed at a hotel that's across from a 7-11. I thought it was a good time to try that Pop Rocks myth.
"He's on the bed, I unload the Pop Rocks into my mouth and went down on him. In seconds, he starts screaming from pain and rolls over into fetal position while holding his dick. Apparently, the Pop Rocks were popping inside his urethra, causing him searing explosive pain." -- guitartechie
"Using Saran wrap instead of a condom ended up with a trip to the hospital and a $200 bill to fish the Saran from deep within my ex, rather than a quick trip to the gas station and $5 for a fucking condom." --DishonoredSinceBirth
"80% of anything in a Kama Sutra book. Seriously, pulled vaginal muscles and a broken dick is what you're looking forward to if you try all the positions and aren't as agile as a gymnast." -- Thatlilone
"I'm a private pilot with my own plane and everything. Decided to go on vacation with my SO. After two hours or so we start to get frisky. The autopilot comes on and we're starting to have full-on sex right there. Long story short, we took too long.
"Ended up entering German airspace (We came from Denmark), I realized too late, so when I contacted tower (ATC) I was being visited by two German Eurofighter Typhoon military aircrafts. I was grounded, ended up getting a fine and a serious warning. No ban though. Moral of the story: always know how much time you've got when having sex on an aircraft.” -- Tarron
"Abstinence." -- ShibaHook
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and doesn't like Pop Rocks anymore.