Sex + Dating

A Groom's 28 Burning Questions About His Upcoming Wedding

I just got engaged.

And despite the cool, irreverent air I try to uphold, I'm actually very excited for this wedding. I've found the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life and I'm placing bets now on how many quarts of tears I'm gonna shed when I see her walk down the aisle.

Since popping the question (on bended knee, no less!), an array of questions has come up that I never considered when going through the motions of attending the weddings of friends and family. Like, do you guys know how early you have to start planning these things? Anyway, with under a year left until my wedding, here are some vital questions I should really start at least looking into before I put a ring on it.

And by "it," I mean my fiancée's finger.

1. How good is your best man supposed to be? What happens if you find a better man before the wedding?
2. What kind of underwear am I supposed to wear during the most important day of my life? Surely, they must make some kind of wedding-appropriate briefs.
3. What's a rehearsal dinner? I assume you rehearse the wedding, but how much of it do you go through? Has anybody accidentally gotten married at the rehearsal dinner?
4. What does it mean when you step on the glass at a Jewish wedding? Can I use anything that's glass? Like a lava lamp? (Note: I'm Jewish and still don't know this.)
5. Is it tacky to forego a DJ and instead set up my a speaker and an iPod?
6. What's the most powerful speaker out there?
7. How tight is too tight when it comes to suits for my groomsmen? Shouldn't I, as the groom, look the most comfortable?
8. Why do so many DJs offer LED-lighting packages?
9. Are my guests going to expect an LED light show at my wedding?
10. How long do you have to be on a honeymoon before it's strikingly clear to your co-workers and boss that you're never returning to work?
11. Boxed wine: tacky or cocktail hour-appropriate?
12. Can my wedding cake be made out of ice cream?
13. Is sex an absolute necessity for the wedding night or will a quick handy suffice?
14. Does the "old, new, something blue" thing apply to the groom or do we have our own version where we find something sharp, something leaky, and something absolutely doused in piping-hot cheese?  
15. Realistically, what would happen if I pulled a Ross from Friends and said "... take thee, Rachel" when it's time to exchange vows? I don't even have a friend named Rachel.
16. Do we have to do that thing where we smush the wedding (or ice cream!) cake into each other's face? Won't that stain our outfits?
17. Is it looked down upon for the bride and groom to call it early and spend the rest of the night watching Face/Off in bed?
18. What do I do with my suit after I wear it? Can I wear it again? Like to work the next day, or to another person’s wedding?
19. Do people still release doves? Is it cool to swap doves with a bigger, stronger bird like flamingos?
20. How much swearing is customary during the part where the bride and groom exchange vows?
21. Karaoke: tacky or reception-appropriate?
22. If I suffer a major head injury from falling off my chair during the Hora, who do I sue?
23. What's a better first-dance song? "Smooth" by Santana or "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal?
24. How many different options do I need to provide my guests for dinner? Chicken or fish sounds fine, but what I'd really like to do is offer friends and loved ones a chili dog buffet.
25. Is there a dad-dad dance? I love the idea of my dad dancing a romantic waltz with my father-in-law.
26. Do I need a hype man?
27. In an inter-faith relationship, who does the actual marrying? Are our only choices a rabbi and a minister, or can I reach out to Bret Michaels before he gets booked up?
28. Does anyone know Bret Michaels' email address?

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Jeremy Glass is a writer living in New York City. Follow his Twitter or die trying @candyandpizza.