The celebrity sex tape has bestowed new dimensions of fame upon already-famous people and offered endless watercooler fodder for the last 15 years. But before you run off to buy or otherwise track down one of these gems, you'd be wise to know which are most worth your time. To enlighten you, we employed the brilliance of BurningAngel founder Joanna Angel to review and rank the nine most well-known celebrity porn videos. As a director, punk-porn princess, and adult entertainment aficionado, suffice to say this is a woman who knows a thing or two about the dos and don'ts of sex on screen.
Note: actual sex tapes not included within, for obvious reasons, but if you've managed to avoid them and are curious, a little enterprising Googling ought to do just fine.
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This video is gross. There is nothing sexy about anything or anyone in this video. I regret subjecting myself to this. I hope Mr. Belding sends Screech to detention for the rest of his life for putting this shitty piece of cinema out into the world, if you can even call it that!
8. Gene Simmons
Didn't Gene have sex with, like, 10,000 women? Isn't that his claim to fame? I was expecting more from him, especially with a camera there. I would figure he would put in a little more of a show even if he wasn't expecting anyone to see the tape. I gotta hand it to him, he is really not in good shape at all, and his face looks incredibly weathered. The girl he is having sex with is ridiculously hot like a living anime character. How do those breasts sit on that tiny waist?! It must defy some law of gravity. Man. Gene Simmons has the life, but I don't ever want to watch him have sex again. Ever.
7. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly
I was expecting a little more energy from someone who was responsible for planning a brutal assault. They always say crazy people are good in bed, and I just don't think that applies here. Maybe Tonya should go back to trying to rig the Olympics.
6. Bret Michaels and Pam Anderson
This one sucks. I found season one of Rock of Love sexier than this sorry excuse for a sex tape. This is a sad song for you, Cowboy!
In some E! True Hollywood Story about reality TV stars, Tila said that she did this porn because she was flat broke and on a lot of drugs. I wasn't surprised by that statement at all. She has definitely lost the spunk she once had when she was on Myspace. This isn't horrible, but it's also not awesome. It looks like Tila enjoys having sex. I can see it in there somewhere, but she doesn't seem stoked to be having it on camera.
4. Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder
This video is so blonde. They have the exact same color hair with the exact same amount of roots showing. When they're making out, you can't tell where someone's hair ends and the other person’s hair begins. When this sex tape was released it was incredibly exciting -- mostly because it stars the legendary Janine Lindemulder, who only did girl-on-girl for most of her porn career. This came out when she was in her prime and Vince was uh... very much past his prime. It's all about her though; and since this video’s release, she's gone on to have sex on camera with a handful of dudes who bring a much more exciting reaction out of her than Vince.
3. Kim Kardashian and Ray J
When this sex tape came out, it truly made every girl and guy in the world want a bigger butt. This video inspired a lot of bigger and better butts in the world. Kim is a babe and definitely better in bed than Paris Hilton, not to mention that she has better taste in men (or, on-screen partners!) Ray J is quite handsome. The woman is obviously a natural in front of the camera. However, this "sex tape" is so staged! From the lighting to the makeup to the camera angles it's just so freaking obvious. I’m not even sure I could call it a sex tape. It's a porno, which was made for the public to see -- and we all saw it!
2. Pam and Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon
This is the sex tape that started off all sex tapes. No matter what Tommy Lee does in life, he'll always be remembered first and foremost as the guy with the giant penis who used it to honk a horn. It's not a bad thing! This classic is probably the most romantic of all sex tapes. It's a total #relationshipgoals sex tape by two of the most attractive people in America at the time. I still to this day watch this and masturbate, and I try not to think about the fact that they had an ugly and messy divorce.
Let's be honest here, I don't care what your type is, Paris Hilton is hot. A lot of girls are born into wealth, but most of them aren't nearly as hot as Paris. And her sort-of lazy eye is just so adorable! I've always loved this sex tape. Paris looks so vulnerable without all her poofy dogs and her $700 sunglasses. It's comforting to know that you can be a billionaire and still not know how to give a proper blowjob.
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Matt Meltzer is a staff writer at Thrillist and can't believe anyone would rate Paris Hilton ahead of Motley Crüe at anything. Follow him on Instagram @meltrez1.
Kristin Battista-Frazee is author of The Pornographer's Daughter and who now has a new perspective on fame. Follow her on Twitter @porndaughter and Instagram @kbfrazee.