Sex + Dating

Bravo Sexpert Emily Morse Knows Why Your Girlfriend Isn’t Having Orgasms

Courtesy of David Krausse

Every man wants to believe that he is incredible in bed. You want that feeling of accomplishment, that gold star on your sexual resume, that hushed whisper between ex-lovers: “He was the best I’ve ever had.” 

But unless your partner is a master in the art of sexual communication, it’s likely you have no idea how much or little she’s actually enjoying your lovemaking.

Orgasm is all but guaranteed for a guy getting laid. If he’s stimulated at the right pace for long enough, a climax will happen. But as you well know, women are not so easy to please. It doesn’t matter how hard you thrust or how long you go at it: a woman’s pleasure is not an exact science (or a jar with a tight lid you can just bang on the counter to get open). The female orgasm relies on a lot of factors.

So how can any guy be sure that he’s knocking it out of the park, sexually speaking? To give your woman orgasms every time, first you’re going to need a few pointers on technique and stimulation. Here are four reasons your partner may not have been reaching Climax, USA -- plus tips to help even the orgasm odds and set your partner up with a steady flow of mind-blowing O’s.

You didn’t start at the top

Before you can truly wow your partner’s lady parts, you’ve got to put in some work above the belt. I’m not talking about her breasts (although those can always use some extra loving, too). I’m referring to the largest female sex organ: her big, sexy brain. This is the first place a woman turns to feel satisfied. And if you’re ignoring this pleasure epicenter, chances are good she’s using it for just one thing: faking orgasms. 
 
While your penis is pretty much running the show from the first suggestion of sexual activity, women require a little more mental stimulation to get there. Next time you feel the urge to get busy, start at the top. Whisper in her ear all the naughty things you want to do to her. This works on a physical and mental level -- your warm breath on her ear will send chills down her spine, while your hot words will stimulate her sexual desire. 

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You forgot the foreplay

Say this with me, guys: foreplay is not a suggestion, it’s a requirement.

When it comes to arousal, men are like frying pans. They warm up quickly and are good to go. Women, on the other hand, are slow-cookers. It takes more time and stimulation to bring them to their maximum heat. This gets forgotten too often in an eager dash for penetration, which translates into you reaching boiling point precisely when she’s just getting warmed up.

Instead of powering through the pre-sex activities to get straight to penetration, treat your partner to some focused kissing, touching, caressing, and manual and oral stimulation. This gets her going and helps her to become fully aroused (making your job much easier!). If she happens to knock out an orgasm or two before the sex even starts, so much the better.

You haven’t met her hot spot

Most women do not regularly orgasm from intercourse alone. It’s not that they don’t enjoy penetration; it just so happens that their most pleasure-packed spot isn’t located inside the vagina at all. If you’re missing this, she’s missing her orgasm.

Not sure where to look? I’ll give you a hint: the key to her orgasm is actually hidden in plain sight, right ABOVE the doorway you’ve been knocking at. If you want to unlock the secret to your partner’s pleasure, it’s time to get acquainted with her clitoris, aka your new best friend. It might not look like much, but for somewhere around 75% of women, that little love button is the one and only path to O-town. 

While many sex positions fail to provide the clitoris with the stimulation it deserves, you can always count on the coital alignment technique (or CAT position) to hit her hottest spot. CAT position starts out in good old-fashioned missionary. Once you’ve entered your partner, slide your pelvis a few inches higher than usual and have her wrap her legs around you. As you’re rocking back and forth over her, the base of your penis will rub against her clitoris, giving her that push she needs to send her moaning over the edge. 

You forgot to take it slow

A lot of guys are all about instant gratification. But patience is key when it comes to pleasing a woman, speed demon. The average guy only needs five or six minutes to take care of business. A women can take up to 30 (see problem #2). This irritating inequity of arousal is known as the orgasm gap, and it is one of the largest obstacles that couples face on the road to simultaneous O’s. 

If you have any hope of bridging this gap, you need to slow everything down when it’s time to get down. A good rule of thumb is to go three times slower than you normally would. Prolong the make-out sessions, slowly undress her, and get to know those other erogenous zones before you delve into her nether regions. Once the sex begins, don’t start hammering away like you’re tenderizing a steak (trust me, she’s already tender). Instead, try moving together at a slow and steady pace. It might not feel natural at first, but it will absolutely help you last longer, thereby giving her more time to cross that orgasmic finish line.

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Dr. Emily Morse is a sex and relationship expert, host of the top-downloaded podcast Sex with Emily, and star of Bravo TV’s Miss Advised. She also wants all women to have orgasms every single time. Follow her on Twitter: @SexWithEmily.

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