Can A Sex Schedule Save Your Relationship?
There's nothing particularly sexy about the phrase "Let's have sex on Thursday" -- especially when said phrase is uttered on a Monday. But would you believe that doin' it on a weekly schedule might actually save your sex life?
Being in a monogamous relationship pretty much rules out the idea of one-night stands and other trysts that end in quick, easy sex. Whether you like it or not, sex is never a guarantee on any night of the week... mostly because that's just how monogamy works.
Here's how to fix that.
Sex drives don't always line up naturallyIt's rare to find somebody whose sex drive matches yours completely. Sometimes she wants it more than you do, and some days you feel like a deprived zoo animal with a libido that’s about to explode with the intensity of a thousand hydrogen bombs and melt the skin off of your neighbors’ faces.
Even worse -- if you do indeed have equal libidos, your nightly routines may not be conducive to spending hours in bed, lovingly poking and prodding each other senseless.
This might especially ring true if you're a teacher and she's a bartender. Or if you're a night watchman and she's a day... watchwoman? Resentment and frustration will kick in and you could find yourselves in a position where you start saying things you don't mean... all because you're hot and bothered.
Make sure you're on the same pageStep one is always to identify the problem. Talk about why you aren't having sex. Is it bad timing? Exhaustion? Or is she not into you because she hates your stinkin' guts and has been having the best sex of her life with her best friend's dad? If it's the latter, a) fuck that guy; and b) this may not be a salvageable union.
If your relationship is in deep trouble -- the kind of trouble more sex won’t fix -- figure it out and even try talking to a counselor. But if everything else between you is solid, you might be able to fix the issue by penciling in some intercourse.
Pick a date. Or multiple dates!It’s actually easier to rule out dates and times that you know will not work. Does she smoke cigars with her barfly buddies on Thursdays? Do you spend Monday evenings with your crochet bros and know you can't get back home to the misses until that pretty-ass doily is done?
"Create a calendar with every element of intimacy on it," instructs Dr. Prudence Hall of The Hall Center in Santa Monica, CA. "A date night, time away alone as a couple, time to talk, and lovemaking. Lovemaking needs to be viewed as a practice. We don't always want to meditate or do our yoga, but we know how wonderful it is for us. Lovemaking can be viewed in a similar way. Schedule it and it is more likely to happen!" She adds: "It is quite astonishing how receptive men are to our needs when we honor theirs."
So get out those calendars! Sort out when you're busy, then mark times and days you know will work.
Mix it up, as the kids sayMaybe the problem stems from too much vanilla-ness in your lives. This can be solved by a couple of ground rules: what if Tuesday nights feature pressure-free missionary, and Thursday is a free-for-all fuck fest where nothing’s off limits? Just spit-firing here, guys.
Try positions other than the normal ones you were taught in school, and consider surfaces in your house that haven't felt the gentle lick of naked flesh since 'Nam. Why not have sex on your counter every Thursday? That way, you can spend all of Friday disinfecting that very same counter and preparing a delicious home-cooked meal.
Don't fret rainchecksNo matter how much omnipotence you think you have, you just can't put a schedule on life. Maybe the big night has arrived, but you’re suffering from the worst bout of food poisoning you've ever had.
Don't just cancel! You must reschedule.
The point is to always tend to each other's needs, and acknowledge that you both want to do it with each other. It seems obvious, but the monotony of monogamy can make people forget how romance works.
This is bigger than sexIf you stop thinking of sex in the romantic sense and start viewing it as a goal, you will inevitably strive to make lovemaking a part of your routine.
Plenty of studies conclude the success of writing down your goals and checking them off when they're completed. If you treat your intimacy issues the same way, you become satisfied down there while also feeling like a more successful person.
Sex + success = succex.
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Jeremy Glass is Thrillist's esteemed sex and dating writer, but -- oddly enough -- doesn't have genitals.