Sex + Dating

Sexual Deviants, A Missing Ear, And The Mob: Confessions Of An Erotic Cake Baker

Cake in the shape of a butt with a slice taken out
Cole Saladino/Thrillist

You really wouldn't normally picture Michael Kaz as someone in the baking business. His voice and demeanor match how well-meaning Midwesterners must imagine New Yorkers. After hearing him recount stories of gangsters and perverts, all while talking through giggling fits and swearing like a sailor’s unpaid intern, one thing became clear: erotic baking really found him.

I used to go to a bakery over here in Queens... I would get my espresso and there was this guy who ran the bakery, so I made friends with him. His nickname was Papi Chulo and I would always look at his cakes and go, "What the hell is going on?"

He had seven penis cakes and vagina cakes out every week. He was like, "Oh, I live with some guy and he gives me these orders." He was doing these cakes real cheap.

Time goes by and then the guy gets divorced from his wife and needs somewhere to live, so I suggested my basement. Anyway, I see his business is fine, but I want to make sure I got rent from him, so I built him a website to make sure I would get my $800 a month. So, I made this erotic-baking website -- trust me, it’s evolved over the years -- but, at first, it was just a penis cake website.

It was all going fine for seven or eight months and then he sold his bakery to a Colombian drug lord. So, at this point, I’m stuck with a website that’s getting dozens of phone calls and cake requests a week -- and I said, "Holy shit, I don’t know how to make a penis cake." So, I started going all through New York to all different bakeries and would ask them if they wanted to partner up and make penis cakes. I’m talking Chinese bakeries, I walked into bakeries with religious Muslims threatening my life for even bringing up the idea.

I said, "Oh my God, what am I going to do?" I was losing penis cake orders every week. I’m an Internet marketer, so I have a lot of websites, but then it got personal. Some guy started spamming me -- he had dozens of domains that came from the 1980s and would rank high on Google. So, then I found a, run by a very reputable high-end baker. Bakeries in New York are pretty small -- I’m talking two, three people -- this place has 20 employees running around. He does the dessert route for the reputable hotel... high-end names. So, I asked him if he was interested in making penis cakes.

He's like, "Well, how much are you bringing in every month?" I tell him, five or six hundred a week and the guy’s like, "Man, I really don’t know if I want to get into the penis cake business." Keep in mind, he's a very reputable baker -- I can't stress that enough -- he's one of the most reputable bakers in New York and he's across the street from a church. I keep telling him there's money in this and promise him we’ll make money from these cakes.

So, I started giving him orders. We started doing three, four, five penis and vagina cakes a week and we're surprised there’s so much money in this. Things eventually evolve and we do custom cakes. Now, we're going over to wholesale baking and everything’s going great.

Erotic cake in shape of a butt with knife going in
Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Strippers, perverts, and one big-ass penis pop

The penis cakes are for bachelorette parties or someone’s birthday and most of the stuff we do are the basic models for sale: penis cakes, vagina cakes, boob cakes, butt cakes. We get so many orders for the basic designs.

We have plenty of weird requests and designs, but the majority of my sales are the basic designs on the website. Don't get me wrong, though, I have plenty of ridiculous stories. The people this business brings in... they usually can’t afford these cakes. The phone calls I get... are fuckin’ hysterical.

This one called and said, "My unemployment check comes next week, but I went on Craigslist and am meeting with these random girls soon. I bang them while the husband watches in the corner and jerks off... is there any way you can give me a cake for cheaper?" I’m like, "Why are you telling me this?" I give him a cake for a little bit cheaper, because the guy’s banging strippers and is, like, a sex pervert or whatever.

Anyway, guy calls back and is like, "Is there any way you can give me a cake pop that I can fuck these girls with?" So, I make him a black penis chocolate cake pop. It was a very thick chocolate. Oh my God, he called me back and he thanked me and told me it was the best sex he ever had in his life.

I got stories like that.

Chocolate erotic cake with slice taken out
Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Old balls, childbirth, and wait, what's a midwife again?

You know, these cakes aren’t big with the gay community at all. Which is surprising, right? It’s huge with bachelorette parties and women getting their husbands cakes for their birthdays. One time we did a vagina cake with a baby coming out.

People have baby showers -- or whatever the case may be -- and they want a vagina cake or a belly cake with a little skirt. Very popular, looks cute or whatever. Every now and then, you get this fuckin' deviant that wants a version of the belly cake, but with the baby’s head popping out of the vagina.

We have very good Yelp reviews -- we only have one one-star review and it was a person who wanted a cake like that: baby’s head popping out of the vagina. We went back and forth on the details... we didn’t know how to price the cake, it was ridiculous. The lady wanted the baby’s head purple to look realistic and we had to charge $35 extra because of the color. So, she called us racist.

A normal vagina cake with a baby popping out -- that's normal -- this lady got way too involved. She wanted a cake for a midwife, do you know what a midwife is? I thought it was when a lady didn't want to ruin her body and paid someone else to have the baby. That's what I thought it was.
 

"This business brings in deviants."


Anyway, this cake was for a midwife. She was so involved and complained about every small detail. So, we go through all these details -- she was going nuts with the coloring -- at the last minute, we don't take her order, because she was out of her mind. We just didn't want to take the order. Sure enough, she goes out of the way to leave a bad review.

We try to stay away from these kinds of people. We also had some guy who wanted "old balls" and another guy who -- get this -- asked for a red-and-black plaid cake with a naked woman laying on top giving birth to two babies with each baby wearing black-rimmed glasses. He also wanted a Chihuahua with a half a fuckin' ear. What the fuck is that?

Oh, I also had a guy who wanted his dick on a cake, but as a picture. This business brings in deviants. Don't get me wrong, I’m not the most normal person myself. This guy calls me and tells me he wants his dick printed on the cake, but he wants me to take the picture myself. He wanted to come into the shop and have me do it. I didn’t do it. Obviously.
 

The devil's in the details... of the penis

First we start with one of our sponges, then we cut and mold it to the shape of the body part we are creating.

We cut the sponge mold in half -- this is where we place the filling, in between the two halves.

Then the cake is frosted with a heavy buttercream, this helps us create the shape of the cake. It is also important in creating breast and butt cakes or even the vein in a penis cake.

The buttercream helps us shape the cake. After this the cake is placed in a freezer for at least three hours. This hardens the buttercream and secures the shape of the cake. Then the cake is ready for the fondant designer to decorate. The fondant is color to fit the design the customer chooses.
 

"No one wants a sweaty penis cake."
 

Usually several colors are needed to complete the design. After the fondant has been colored, it is put through our press to roll it as thin as possible. The mold is then covered with that fondant by a talented cake designer with attention to the details.

Then the final details are added to the cake. Example: coloring the vein of the penis, add some sugar semen, stripper glitter, or whatever.

Cake is placed on a decorative tray. Inscription is written on the tray, "Wishing you Hap-Penis!" or "Last cock before the rock" or whatever.

We will never have the cake waiting in the fridge for over 24 hours or outside for longer then three to six hours, depending on humidity, because it causes the cake to have moisture.

I like to call it sweat, no one wants a sweaty penis cake.

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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and that ass cake was delicious. Order a custom erotic cake here and you'll never regret it: CustomEroticBaking.com.