Sex on Friday

16 Self-Sabotaging Crazy Girl Texts I Resolve Not to Send in 2016

Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

Technology is a dangerous thing when thrust into the hands of single females. Single males, too, but I am not one of those. Anyway, as all too many single and formerly single women know, a self-sabotaging crazy girl text can be the kiss of death to any potential romance.

All too recently I found myself grabbing a drink alone after a Tinder date flaked. I am not saying the stranger next to me was "the one," but his initial question of why anyone would ever remake the film Point Break launched us into a conversation that lasted nearly two hours and ended with us exchanging numbers. Rather than play it cool, I texted Mr. Point Break... hours and an untold number of drinks later. 

The next morning I repeatedly checked my phone for a reply and cursed myself for my lack of self-control. By noon I desperately needed to clarify that I was not the overeager, babbling psycho I came off as in my text. Before I could talk myself out of it, I hit send on a second cringeworthy text apologizing for the first text. 

Needless to say, I've still never heard back from Mr. Point Break

It's all too painful to psychoanalyze! So I have simply resolved to be better this year. With that in mind, here are 16 texts I WILL NOT send in 2016:

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1. The overeager first text

Congratulations, you got his number! Ball is in his court. Do not make yourself look crazy and desperate by texting the same night. I say this lovingly as 2015’s top vote for Miss Desperate & Crazy. Steve Harvey was wrong when he gave some other girl the title. Too soon? Bottom line: every girl wants to be pursued. In order to make this possible you need to play the waiting game.
 

2. The post-date follow-up text

Honesty is good. Clinginess is bad. This is a rare opportunity to play it cool and pretend you are not already fully smitten after finally having a first date during which you weren’t scoping the nearest exit. If you need to text, gush to your girlfriends about the magical banter that transpired over drinks for which he paid. If he enjoyed the date as much as you, he’ll get in touch.  
 

3. The "Are you OK?" text

Of course he's OK! You know in your heart that the man is fine, but you haven’t heard from him in days and he seemed so nice, and he wouldn’t just ghost without an explanation, would he?

And so, you think of the worst-case, "dead in a ditch" scenario. Even if this was the case, he wouldn’t be able to text you and you probably aren’t close enough to go to his funeral. Cut your losses and move on.
 

4. The "Are you still awake?" text

Nothing good can come of this text except maybe a booty call. If that’s what you’re into, go for it. If not, your text can probably wait until the morning.
 

5. The "Is this over?" text

You sent this text because you crave closure. The reality is, if you haven’t heard from a man in a long enough time to warrant this text, then it is probably over. Even if he is just busy, you are not getting the attention you need. Know your limit and stick to it. Stop trying to make “fetch” happen, etc.
 

6. The "Seriously, I know you got my last text" text

Damn WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger! The "read" receipt has bred a whole new level of crazy texts. Whether you see they received your text and haven’t read it yet, or see they read it and haven’t responded, your reminder of the text’s existence probably won’t make a difference in the response time.  
 

7. The “???” text

This the needier and more aggressive cousin of #6.

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8. The "I'm sorry about my last text" text

Once I apologized for a bitchy text over text and said I was just hangry at the time the first text was sent. The first text is bad enough, but the unsolicited apology text is invariably worse.
 

9. The WRONG text

There are few things more mortifying than sending a text about a guy to the guy! I once sent a screenshot of a conversation with a guy to him instead of to my friend. I tried to cover it up by saying I was just reminding him of a cute thing he said to me. Then he started sending me screenshots of things I said... he thought it was a thing. 

It does not usually play out that well.
 

10. The overly emotional outpouring of honesty text: a novella

Some things are better said in person. Long messages usually require long responses and this can be daunting to men. They will thus put off their response while you agonize over the fact that you put yourself out there and got nothing in return.
 

11. The decidedly not-sober text

Have they invented an app to prevent these yet? If so, please let me know. In general I’d say an occasional tipsy weekend text can be overlooked, but let’s not make a habit of them, seeing as alcohol can be a contributing factor to... pretty much every other text on this list.
 

12. The text bomb

Text-bombing is when you send a series of texts in a row, or throughout the day -- sometimes on completely different topics -- without any response. Your text thread ends up looking like the rantings of a mad woman. Which text is the man supposed to respond to?  
 

13. The ALL-emoji text

I am not sure how men feel about emojis, but we definitely use them more than men. A sly wink here and there is cute, but too many and you have a text twitch. I know you think that a series of emojis of two girls dancing + cake + Champagne bottle + beer + wine glass + poop + death face says, “Hey, last night my best friend and I went out to a birthday party where we drank EVERYTHING and now I feel like shit and am dying,” but maybe just saying, “I’m hungover after a party last night” would be sufficient?
 

14. The insecure text

When things are new it’s easy to be insecure but for goodness sake, keep that to yourself. Do not under any circumstance ask a guy who the girl in his photo is. Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust them, maybe there is a reason. Be warned: if you keep worrying that your guy will leave you and require constant reassurance, this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
 

15. The “Something happened today that reminded me of you...” text

Did you actually do, see, or hear something that reminded you of the guy you’re stuck on, or are you just rationalizing why you are texting because you feel like you need an excuse and are looking to strike up a conversation? Probably best to also avoid mentioning what you saw him doing on Snapchat, Instagram, or Facebook.
 

16. The "accidental" text

While I have never done it, I know others who will do anything to elicit a response from a man, including fabricating a conversation. For example, texting “Hahaha” followed by “Oh sorry, that was meant for someone else.” There is nobody that text was intended for. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. 

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Lauren Boldt is a New York-based satirical writer who wants to live in a liberal society where condiments qualify as their own food group and she will never be shamed for her text bombs. Which she will never send to anyone, ever again. She hopes. Follow her on Twitter: @Life_of_LaurenB.