8. The "I'm sorry about my last text" text
Once I apologized for a bitchy text over text and said I was just hangry at the time the first text was sent. The first text is bad enough, but the unsolicited apology text is invariably worse.
9. The WRONG text
There are few things more mortifying than sending a text about a guy to the guy! I once sent a screenshot of a conversation with a guy to him instead of to my friend. I tried to cover it up by saying I was just reminding him of a cute thing he said to me. Then he started sending me screenshots of things I said... he thought it was a thing.
It does not usually play out that well.
10. The overly emotional outpouring of honesty text: a novella
Some things are better said in person. Long messages usually require long responses and this can be daunting to men. They will thus put off their response while you agonize over the fact that you put yourself out there and got nothing in return.
11. The decidedly not-sober text
Have they invented an app to prevent these yet? If so, please let me know. In general I’d say an occasional tipsy weekend text can be overlooked, but let’s not make a habit of them, seeing as alcohol can be a contributing factor to... pretty much every other text on this list.
12. The text bomb
Text-bombing is when you send a series of texts in a row, or throughout the day -- sometimes on completely different topics -- without any response. Your text thread ends up looking like the rantings of a mad woman. Which text is the man supposed to respond to?
13. The ALL-emoji text
I am not sure how men feel about emojis, but we definitely use them more than men. A sly wink here and there is cute, but too many and you have a text twitch. I know you think that a series of emojis of two girls dancing + cake + Champagne bottle + beer + wine glass + poop + death face says, “Hey, last night my best friend and I went out to a birthday party where we drank EVERYTHING and now I feel like shit and am dying,” but maybe just saying, “I’m hungover after a party last night” would be sufficient?
14. The insecure text
When things are new it’s easy to be insecure but for goodness sake, keep that to yourself. Do not under any circumstance ask a guy who the girl in his photo is. Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust them, maybe there is a reason. Be warned: if you keep worrying that your guy will leave you and require constant reassurance, this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
15. The “Something happened today that reminded me of you...” text
Did you actually do, see, or hear something that reminded you of the guy you’re stuck on, or are you just rationalizing why you are texting because you feel like you need an excuse and are looking to strike up a conversation? Probably best to also avoid mentioning what you saw him doing on Snapchat, Instagram, or Facebook.
16. The "accidental" text
While I have never done it, I know others who will do anything to elicit a response from a man, including fabricating a conversation. For example, texting “Hahaha” followed by “Oh sorry, that was meant for someone else.” There is nobody that text was intended for. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.
Lauren Boldt is a New York-based satirical writer who wants to live in a liberal society where condiments qualify as their own food group and she will never be shamed for her text bombs. Which she will never send to anyone, ever again. She hopes. Follow her on Twitter: @Life_of_LaurenB.