The 9 Habits of Highly Annoying Couples
As long as hormone-driven human bodies persist on this Earth, people will continue dating other people. And as long as people continue dating other people, some of said people will prove to be incredibly annoying to the rest of us.
Note: "the rest of us." This dissection isn't meant to address the occasional jealous single person who finds a couple objectionable out of jealousy. These are the behaviors that unite the single, the coupled, the polyamorous... everybody in the same thought: "wow, they're kind of the worst, right?"
Instagramming each other through brunch
Aw man, look how happy they are! This couple has been dating all of three months and they are absolutely steeping in the sweet, sweet honeymoon juice that leaks out of every orifice when you find out you’re both "pretty into it." They haven't yet gotten to the point where they split their dishes with each other, because they’re actually too uncomfortable to eat in front of each other. The Instagram pictures are abnormally well framed and have nauseating captions like ✨ cutest boy ever ✨. Cute boy one moment, Instagram husband the next.
Documenting every menial event on Facebook
"Babe and I have been together for a whole week!" will probably be the least infuriating status you'll read when looking through the Library of Congress-style archive of mundane updates with these two people. Gushy photos are a given -- you're going to see these people pop up daily in every single major tourist trap in your city.
They celebrate anniversaries, give live updates of dates, and will most definitely engage in gushy banter on each other's Facebook wall. Oh, and in case you think they’re not going to have a very public and dramatic breakup, think again. They will. Unless they go the other way and have kids one day, in which case... *shudders*.
Excessively making out in public
A little excessive PDA is acceptable on the first magical encounter or two, but once you've settled into relationship status, going to town on each other in the middle of every weekend stroll, after-dinner cocktail, or nephew's baptism is just plain weird.
However, if you're into sneakily having undetected sex in public places, that's totally fine. Although probably not at the baptism.
Dominating the relationship
Forget the worn-out stereotype of a couple led by a controlling woman -- guys do it, too. These people are almost like symbiotic parasites, unable to survive without each other’s groveling and yelling. If you ask one of them how they're feeling, they won't be able to answer without looking to the other for advice. "How do I feel, babe?"
A telltale sign of the controlee is a sudden change in appearance: new clothes, better hygiene, a worried look in the eye -- and that's all pending you see them at all. This is the kind of couple that hides away from the public eye, insisting that hanging out with anyone but each other is "not their style."
Talking about their cats as if they were children
There's a startling amount of comfort going on with these guys. They own cats -- hell, they probably own many cats, which is all quite apparent by the way they talk about them on Facebook… as if they were toddlers they birthed themselves. They've know for a long time that going home early is the best part of being in a relationship, but at this point consider 7pm on a Saturday to be early. If you were to close your eyes and hear them talk, it'd be hard to figure out if they were in their early 20s or late 60s.
Yelling at each other in the middle of Chili's
Well, truth be told, public fighting is annoying and awkward for everyone else pretty much anywhere it takes place. But what kind of monstrously dysfunctional couple can be so angry when there is queso dip and baby back ribs to be had?
You could have lugged an Easter Island head all the way up to the top of an Egyptian Pyramid where you used it as a table to dine on a meal personally prepared by Eric Ripert, this couple would still find a way to one-up you (at least until you go to prison for presumably breaking several international laws).
They're always traveling somewhere, always eating exotic foods, and constantly buying the kind of expensive refurbished furniture that somehow flawlessly blends into their way-too-large apartment. But THAT's not the issue. The issue is the way they need to breathlessly inject said "accomplishments" any time you make even the most innocuous statement. Like, if you say you like ice cream, they will regale you with stories of an Italian gelato encountered during their travels the likes of which you could never possibly top.
Forcing you to suffer through every detail of their vacation
Unlike the couple that's all about one-upping, this couple would be excited about a vacation to Delaware. Not that there's anything wrong with Delaware… but, well, you know. They'll show you every single photo they took -- even the blurry ones -- and go through their itinerary in excruciating detail. Weirdly, they already blasted your Facebook feed with all of them, and yet they STILL want you to pay homage in person. Perhaps you were not sufficiently generous with the "Like" button.
Baby-talking to babies is even kinda borderline. To the person with whom you're currently sleeping? Might as well (adorably!) stab the eardrums of everyone within hearing distance.
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