The Rules for Dating a Crazy-Obsessed Dog Owner

woman with dog
Lucky Business/Shutterstock
Lucky Business/Shutterstock

Relationship status: half my bed is for my dog.

I'd love to say the reason I date fewer assholes now than I once did is because of marked maturity and growth. But, that's not really true at all. My improved taste in men has more to do with my BD-versus-AD timeline: before dog and after dog. The reality is, my dog Jez has created a barometer against which I measure potential suitors. All crazy dog people do. If someone can check off these commandments of dating a dog owner, they're ready for a relationship with me.

If my dog doesn't like you, I don't like you

Let's face facts. When it comes to crazy dog people, it's unanimous: if the dog doesn't like you, we don't like you. Jez, my black German shepherd, loves everyone. So if she doesn't, it's a pretty clear sign the person is a serial killer. Do yourself a favor and go in smart with the dog. Bring (healthy) treats. Get to know each other. Because if that dog barks every time you walk up, you won't need to read past this first rule.

Establish respectable boundaries

If your SO says no table food, then NO TABLE FOOD. It's not that complicated. By respecting your SO's dog and the rules established, you show respect for their hard work, training, and connection with their dog. My dog is dominant and smart. Feed her from the table, and next time my baby nieces and nephews are around her we'll have to worry about little fingers being snapped up along with whatever food the kids are holding.

Don't cage me in

Figuratively and literally. Dog people spend a lot of time with their four-legged friends. This means we have a tendency to be a little quirky about our dogs, our free time, and our conversations. My friends and I have been known to serenade our dogs with the latest T-Swift or Beyonce (OK, and Bieber) hits. Acting like you find this weird or nonsensical is not good for you. Me walking in to find you singing "Backstreet's Back" to my dog? You're winning me over.

Also, more seriously -- never ask to have a dog crated or caged while you are there or sleeping over. Just never do that.

Find out what your SO's dog likes, and get it

There is no faster way to my heart than someone who gets my dog a chew toy or a badass tennis ball (didn't know they existed? They do. I’m waiting.). A treat for my dog? Hell yeah. One that occupies her mind and energy? Even better. I know most girls love flowers and chocolates and all that romantic stuff, but crazy dog girls love when you get the dog something.

I mean, don't forget me! But seriously, if you get a gift for your SO, get the dog a little something too. Solid way into their heart.

couple walking dog

Seek out dog-friendly activities

I'm not one of those dog people who likes taking her dog to brunch or to every single event, but I do like spending a few nights at home hanging out with her and going for walks. I know it's more fun to watch your favorite sports team play at a bar with other fans, but have you seen my dog in Ravens attire yet?

When I go away for weekends, I always make sure where I'm going is dog-friendly. Taking my dog shopping in a little handheld purse? Not my bag. Going for long hikes in the mountains or watching the Wizards kick ass with her? Definitely.

Get to know the dog -- and the dog's quirks

It's easy to assume that if one dog likes you, or most dogs like you, then all will. Sorry, not the case. There are simple ways to ensure that you will get along with dogs, but you have to spend time getting to know each one specifically to really have them like you.

The truth is, many dogs are similar to their owners. Dogs mimic behaviors and patterns that owners give off subconsciously and through training. The better you get to know the dog, the easier time you'll have figuring out what your SO does and doesn't like.

For as crazy as dog people might be -- and they are, most certainly, crazy, it's not altogether that hard to get into their hearts. Just go through the dog.

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Jennifer Hope Miller is a freelance writer and shamelessly crazy dog person. Follow all her cute dog pics on Instagram or follow her on Twitter: @awkwardsoles.