In Bed With Gigi Engle: Why Do Girls Send Mixed Signals?
Welcome to In Bed With Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: We want to hear it all.
For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com.
Dear Gigi,
I'm going through a rough patch with a girl right now. She's quite a bit younger than I am, but girls mature so much faster than guys do.
We have been talking on and off for about a year now. We also work together. She has told me she loves me on many occasions. And then she also says that she doesn't know how she feels. She goes back and forth constantly. All the while, I have fallen completely in love with this girl.
She refuses to let me post pics of us together on any social media because she "thinks her family will have questions." Yet, she posts pics of her and other guys. Just the other day one of my so-called "friends" blocked me from her phone on everything. This happened two days after she and I had a deep conversation and kissed. Now I can't even talk to her... and I see that she and my "friend" have been hanging out more often.
It just seems to me that she doesn't give a care in the world about me anymore, but I still have to see her at work and stuff. I just want to be able to talk to her. She has become my best friend... what do I do? I feel worthless, and like she's embarrassed to say she loves me. What is wrong with me?
-- K
Hey K,
Thanks for writing in. It sounds like what you need is some good old-fashioned real talk from your Auntie G. So let's just jump right in.
You begin your letter by saying you're going through a rough patch with a girl, but then you go on to say you're not even dating her. That's a big red flag for me. This girl is not in a relationship with you and, frankly, it sounds like she doesn't want to be. I know this is harsh and is definitely not what you want me to say. Hear me out.
If she was into you and wanted to be your girlfriend, she would be your girlfriend. Trust me: When it comes to us ladies, we don't keep a guy we really want to be with on the fence. On the contrary, we jump in full force. We don't care what our parents think.
If she was into you and wanted to be your girlfriend, she would be your girlfriend.
When I was 20 I dated a college dropout with an actual deadmau5 tattoo on his arm. Did my parents love this? Of course not. But my heart wanted what it wanted and I didn't give a rat's ass what they had to say.
If this girl is citing her "family asking questions," she is LYING to you. This is NOT why she isn't posting pictures with you. She isn't putting you on her social media because she doesn't want people to know she has a thing with you. She wants to be able to see other guys all while keeping you in the mix in case she gets rejected or bored. As for your friend and the other guys she's in photos with, she's hooking up with some or all of them. How do I know this? Because I've been this girl before.
She is playing mind games to keep you exactly where she wants you. This way you give her all the attention she craves, without her actually having to date you. She goes hot and then cold to keep you in a constant state of distress and obsession. She wants all the perks of having you around, with none of the obligation. You're in a really sick and twisted version of the friend zone. This woman makes you think she likes you, only to pull away and leave you hanging.
She is playing mind games to keep you exactly where she wants you. This way you give her all the attention she craves, without her actually having to date you.
You say women mature more quickly than guys, but this behavior is manipulative and immature. She knows exactly how much you like her -- and she wants to keep you pining. Doing so makes her feel safe, strong, and powerful. It makes her feel good about herself to have you falling all over her. Trust me, she is never going to be your girlfriend. And if she has her way, she's going to keep things exactly the way they are now… until she meets a guy she actually wants to date. You know what happens then? She will ditch you, or expect you to watch her date someone else while making you feel crazy because you clearly "misunderstood."
But don't worry, because karma always catches up to people. I have no doubt this woman will eventually meet a guy she is super-into, and he will play mind games with her. It's the same old story. Your letter sounds like the plot of a bad teen movie.
So let's bring it back to reality, shall we? There is nothing wrong with you. This girl just isn't down to date you. It happens. It doesn't mean you're worthless or unlovable; it just means you have feelings for someone who doesn't have the guts to tell you she isn't into you romantically.
I know you think she's your best friend, but she is absolutely not being a friend to you at all.
I'm really sorry you're in love with her and have to see her at work all the time. Personally, I would look for another job somewhere else. If you want to be a true badass, tell her you're pissed. This is not a cool way to treat someone. I know you think she's your best friend, but she is absolutely not being a friend to you at all.
The truth is, you'll always want more. Even if you decide being friends is enough, it won't be. You will always be into her if she's around. That is great for her, but sucks for you. Pull the BAND-AID off and go find yourself a girl who doesn't treat you like a garbage dump.
Love your favorite internet auntie,
XOXO Gigi
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