Boning Bloopers: Your Stories of Sex Gone Horribly Wrong
Anyone who has ever been between the sheets more than once knows that sex isn't always, well, sexy. In fact, it can be pretty awkward at times (ugh, those sounds!). But there are also the painful mishaps, emotional outpourings, and downright disgusting moments of defecation. Yes, really.
Be warned: things are about to get messy -- and not in a good way.
"My neighbor was this really hot 30-something who always wore the most amazing, body-conscious clothing. I was hot for her so when she asked me to stop over for drinks, I was sure it was going to lead somewhere. I was trying to lose a few pounds and took Ali, which is an over-the-counter drug to help obesity patients.
"We had a Super Bowl party [earlier that day] and I downed a lot of wings and pizza, so I popped two. One of the side effects that I didn't fully understand was "leaky bowels" but since I had never had an issue, I thought it was fine. Fast-forward to our third drink and some heavy kissing, and I moved on her couch only to find a huge orange stain where I was sitting. I tried to play it off like I spilled something, but finally, I had to confess -- and pay her $6,000 for a new couch." --Tony, 39
"I had sex with a guy who was really keen to try anal beads. We never did anything like this before and did not know protocol, so in they went and while giving him a blow job, I yanked them out. Well, all of a sudden we smelled the worst smell and realized there was fecal matter everywhere." -- Brandy, 35
"I was once going down on my new guy when all of a sudden he came on my chest and looked down with a horrified face. It was blood! He called his doctor immediately and it turns out he pulled something at the gym and that was the reason, but he was so freaked out that I couldn't even be upset because I was so worried about calming him down." -- Samantha, 37
Stuck on a feeling
"I had just gone through a divorce and was having sex with a new woman and thought it was going great until it suddenly hit me that this was not my wife. I am not a man who breaks down but I started crying. She was really understanding but I never called her again. I was humiliated." -- Marco, 40
"My guy once asked me to lick his anus and I just couldn't go there. Every time I would go down on him, it was like he would raise his butt and move in a way that was so suggestive that it started to stress me out. Finally, after what seemed like weeks of him doing this, I blurted out, 'I am never going to lick your ass, OK?' and he just stared at me in shock and started laughing very hard. Now, on occasion, he will ask for a BJ and say, 'but I don't expect you to lick my ass, so don't worry.' It's awesome that we can make it a joke. But, for real, never happening." -- Melanie, 29
"I kept asking my boyfriend to be rough during sex and one night, after drinking a lot, we decided to up the ante. I started asking him to pull my hair and I don't know why I forgot that I had extensions, but I could not feel it and kept yelling 'harder, harder!' until he ripped the entire bottom row out -- along with my hair. I wound up screaming and crying as he sat there, freaked out about both the hair in his hands and his angry, hurt girlfriend." --Kelly, 32
"I was having sex doggy-style with my girlfriend and we were going hard and all of a sudden it went out and back in -- but into the wrong hole. She fell to the floor in agony. I felt horrible." -- Nick, 40
"I sleep with my dog and asked the guy I was sleeping with if he was cool with it. He was -- until my dog started going after his sack while we were having sex. I think he even licked him!" -- Heather, 28
Minor gas leaks
"I was trying to lose weight and my friend mentioned to take CLA which is something you can get at the health store. I didn't realize the stuff increased bowel movements and I wound up having the worst gas during my first super-hot sex session with a guy I liked a lot. Needless to say, that was over before it started." -- Megan, 29
"I was once having sex with a guy and I had eaten a lot of kale and felt super gassy. I thought I could control it but I was on top and I moved the wrong way and though no one could hear anything, the smell was so atrocious that he just stopped. We weren't together so there was no making light of it. He said he wasn't feeling well and turned over and we just laid there, pretending that I didn't release a silent-but-deadly. He left in the morning and texted again but I never responded." -- Stacy, 29
It's a burning thing
"My boyfriend bought me a vibrator but I wasn't super knowledgable about how the process worked so I popped it in right out of the box without wiping it down. The next night, while we were having sex, I felt this horrible pain when he was inside of me and I had to stop. A few hours later, I was holding my abdomen as he drove me to the ER. Apparently, I got a severe bacterial infection from the thing!" -- Alice, 34
"My boyfriend and I had worked out and we were really sore, so we decided to use Icy Hot on our muscles. We washed it off (or so we thought), and got into bed, and he started to finger me and it burned! We could not figure out why and I could not stop the stinging!" -- Cassandra, 23
"I read that using Altoids made a sexual experience better so I thought I would surprise my boyfriend with a great BJ. Thinking 'more is more' I popped three of those suckers in my mouth, bit into them, and went to town. All of a sudden, he started screaming, 'Stop!" and ran to the bathroom. He had a small cut on his penis and the excessive mint burned him." -- Taylor, 29
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Brenda Della Casa is editor-in-chief and digital content strategist for Preston Bailey Designs, as well as author of Cinderella Was a Liar. Check her out on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter: @BrendaDellaCasa.