Why Being in Love Makes You Fat

Love Makes You Fat
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

I have terrible news.

In the last year, I met the man of my dreams, moved in with said lover, and then promptly gained EXACTLY 16 POUNDS. Sixteen! Do you know how much that is? It's like eating 64 Jr. McDonald's Quarter Pounder beef patties and then, like, NOT digesting them and just having them sit in your stomach forever. Think about that.

Finally I have someone who sees me naked on occasion, and I’m rolling around like a halfway-inflated hot-air balloon on the blistering desert ground.

You may ask what could have led me down such a greasy, Hot Pocket-filled road? Well get out your iPhone notepads and listen up, singles of the universe -- it's called being in love.

Love handles and all

Here's the thing no one tells you about being in love: you get really, really comfortable. It's like, 10% fireworks and that sensation of jumping off a cliff but you like it (?!?!) and 90% feeling super, deeply, profoundly comfortable in your own skin and sweatpants. The drive to make an effort shrinks almost entirely, and suddenly the idea of never putting on mascara again isn't so crazy.

If you feel the "real deal" is coming, take a good look at your beautifully lined lips right now and kiss them goodbye -- because they're about to be replaced with a rim of Cheetos dust and whatever hygiene drama comes with sharing a toothbrush.

When you're in love, you have a partner in crime to order Chinese food with after binge-drinking cheap wine all evening. You get someone who (through the power of love and passion) shares your same nap schedule. You have someone who splits Uber fares with you every time, totally eliminating the calories you used to burn on your regular commute. You have someone who loves, and I mean LOVES, garlic naan. Have you ever had garlic naan? It's fucking delicious and goes with everything.

I mean, have you ever tried leaving the warm comfort of your bed on a frigid winter day to go on a run, when a beautiful, sweet soul is big-spooning you and begging you to hit the snooze button? What are you going to do, say no? Are you a serial killer!? NO. YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE GOING TO HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

You can go on a run when you're dead. That's the saying, right?

Snoozeville, population: two

The other thing no one tells you about being in love (but that lots of movies suggest) is that you become very boring to be around. You might think your social circle is going to double in size now that you're sharing a life with another individual -- but what will actually happen is you'll come to realize both of your groups of friends kind of suck and that you're better off just staying in to watch Blackfish together on a Saturday evening.

In fact, that's probably why you found each other in the first place: because you two were the shiny, sparkling diamonds in cliché social circles full of boring gray pebbles and were destined for early bedtimes and matching hoodies. Everyone else is stuck partying until the wee hours of the morning, "living it up." Sucks to be them!

Here are some conversation starters I've found to be big hits when I'm forced to interact with other people:

"Soooo how about those Kardashian kids, eh?"
"Contrary to popular belief, Chips Ahoy! are just as delicious as Oreos."
"Do I look like I've gained weight to you?"
"Have you guys seen Blackfish?"

Happily ever slightly chubbier

So now you're sitting there, probably on your stationary bike, reading this, thinking, "Geez, if I had someone who loved me this much I would make sure I look great for them and stay sassy."

Yeah, well, you would think that, you kale-munching son of a bitch. But guess what you're actually going to do when the big "L" word smacks you right in your contoured face?

You're going to binge-watch House of Cards with your significant other until you guys can agree on whether you like Robin Wright's haircut or not. You'll probably decide you don't, because she's a thin, sensual, talented warrior and she just can't have everything, you know what I mean?! ROBIN WRIGHT CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING.

If love makes me bigger, I'll take the weight

… Look.

Don't get me wrong, being in love has its perks. Sometimes you get to feel secure and like maybe life isn't just one big random ride on a rock floating through outer space.

Sometimes you get to feel like there is something bigger and magical outside of yourself protecting all living creatures and looking out for the greater good of society. Sometimes you think, "Hey, maybe I'll be a great mom one day." And all of those things are kind of nice when compared to a lonely life of despair and doubt.

But most of being in love -- and I mean most of it -- is going to be sleeping and eating and drinking and TV watching. If you can't buckle up for the wild journey and gaining a few pounds while you're at it, then maybe you're just not ready yet.

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Jamie LeeLo is a writer, stand-up comedian, and host of her own late-night talk show, "Brunch Night With Jamie LeeLo." You can always find her hanging out on the street waiting for ice cream and taco trucks to go by. Try to keep up with her on Twitter @JamieLeeLo.