When I first found out I was pregnant, I was already in my fifth week. That first month is pretty chill because you actually count from your last period, so you’re technically not even pregnant for part of it. So I’m all like, “Hey, I can do this. I’m already five weeks pregnant, this is easy!”
In my last rambling, I talked about how you’re technically preggers 10 months and we’re all being lied to -- but I stand corrected, because apparently (so I’m told) it’s only around 9.25 months or something? It’s for sure feeling like 10 months though! Anyway, back to five weeks pregnant.
Pre-pregnancy, there was just one symptom
Before I peed on the stick, the only symptom I had was a bad case of itchy boobs. Just straight-up scratching the crap out of my breasts at any given time like a goddamn animal. It’s very difficult to get underneath your bra and get in some good scratching while you’re in public. Creative thinking is a must, but sometimes visceral reaction overrules and you just don’t give a fuck who sees.
I googled it with “early pregnancy symptom” and it immediately came up. Here’s the thing I quickly learned, though. Every woman is different and yet we’re all a little crazy. So you can literally Google any symptom a human being can have on this earth and follow it up with “early pregnancy symptom” and something will come up.
I’m serious. Go try it. I just tried clogged ears and dry feet for pure entertainment and they came up. And I literally just made those up off the top of my head.
After five weeks, fatigue set in
Anyway, it was right at the end of that fifth week that I suddenly started feeling tired as fuck. I mean just beyond exhausted doing the smallest things. I remember the first time feeling it I was in Ikea (which is normally just the best) and suddenly found myself leaning on the cart slowing to a crawl like a robot powering down.
No longer did I want to look at cute throw pillows and fun dishes, oh no. I was overcome with this crazy desire to lay on one of the couches or beds in the display section and have what my nana calls “a little shluffy”. So I stopped and sat down on a sectional and stared off wondering if I just casually put my feet up and gently laid my head on a pillow, how long it would be until a friendly Ikea salesperson came over to ask if I needed help or was OK or if I was some weird drifter just looking to “lay down her head” for a moment.
So I put one foot up and did what I thought was a casual lean. But all these families and their children were looking at me all judgey. I kind of looked like the men who sit outside dressing rooms waiting for their ladies, staring off, partly dead inside. Except I wasn’t. So I just looked out of place.
“Look away, young children, I’m growing a literal human being inside of me! Just let me rest on this easy to assemble bed from the SKOGSTA collection!”
I couldn’t focus on anything wonderfully IKEA-related because it felt like when you have a cold and you’re just so weak and lethargic and why meeeee! Everyone give me sympathy, dammit! After a pep talk with myself, I finally got up and rushed through the windowless store praying for the exit to come. I didn’t even buy anything! Well, I mean I quickly stopped and powered through for a delicious $1 ice cream cone because come on, I’m not a monster.