Sex + Dating

I Lost My Orgasm for Months. Here's How I Found It.

lost orgasm sex advice
Oren Aks/Thrillist

I know this is going to come as a shock to approximately no one, but I'm a gal who enjoys sex. A LOT. In a perfect world, I'd be having it three times a day. Everyone in my house who wants an orgasm, has one.

They are my favorite things in the entire world. THE WORLD, I SAY! So, you can imagine how heartbroken, devastated, and terrified I was when I lost my orgasm for months on end. It ran away from me and was nowhere to be found. So, I went on a journey to find it. Very much like Bilbo Baggins, this was my own adventure: There and Back Again: The Story of the Big "O."

My perilous journey began one cold winter's night

I was having sex with my partner, but something was off. I just wasn't feeling that usual buildup of pleasure -- everything felt good and OK, but I was marooned somewhere between ecstasy and boredom.

The stress of losing my orgasm and not having orgasms to relieve stress just made me more stressed.

Of course, not every sexual encounter is going to result in orgasm (that is just unrealistic, wishful thinking). But if direct clitorial contact is happening, I'm expecting to come. My partner and I were doing all the things we normally do, but the only thing going on downstairs was the increasing sensation that my clit was being rubbed off.

I was convinced my partner must have been as annoyed as I was, or at least annoyed with me for taking so long. This made me feel annoyed with him for being so pushy, even though he hadn't done anything and I was merely projecting my own insecurities. These mixed and anxious thoughts only made my predicament worse. And after relentless rubbing and bumping around, I told him it just wasn't going to happen.

Losing my orgasm was like being the last girl in high school to get her period: you don't want to talk about it and sometimes you lie about it out of shame.

I know some of you ladies out there have been in this spot. We're programmed to apologize, to feel bad that is takes us longer to have orgasms. We perpetually feel guilty for forcing our partner to "do more work." This sense of being a burden, along with the elusiveness of the lady orgasm, is why so many of us fake it. We just want to get sex over with once we realize an orgasm is off the table. I gave up faking orgasms a long time ago -- but I was served up a sharp reminder why a woman would feel so inclined.

I figured it was just a fluke. I must have been overstimulated. I was just anxious. I psyched myself out.

I had been long-empowered by my sexuality; had given so many tips and advice to improve sexuality for other women. To feel so little control over my body was disheartening.

Except it wasn't a fluke. My orgasm ghosted me -- and I didn't see or hear from it again for a long time.

We tried a bunch of different things. For weeks on end I could not get off. There were a few times when I thought, "Maybe this is it!" only to have the same plateau overtake me. The lack of O's was detrimental to my sanity. I count on orgasms to keep me calm and centered. Human beings are full of sexual energy that needs to be released. I was drowning in it.

The stress of losing my orgasm and not having orgasms to relieve stress just made me more stressed. We tried every position, I utilized every toy I had (I have many). I did everything that had ever produced an orgasm in my past. Nothing worked.

And I faked it a few times

There were several times during this drought when I faked my orgasm. I'm not proud of this. I was so upset that this was the reality and my boyfriend was trying so hard to make it happen, I couldn't bear to let him down.

So, I just made all the noises I usually make and had it be over and done with. I couldn't take the pressure.

I only told my closest friends what I was going through

Losing my orgasm was like being the last girl in high school to get her period: you don't want to talk about it, and sometimes you lie about it out of shame. What if I never had an orgasm again? How could I be a writer and sexual educator who was incapable of having a satisfying sexual experience?

My orgasm ghosted me.

I felt like a fraud. I had been long-empowered by my sexuality; given so much advice to improve sexuality for other women. To feel so little control over my body was disheartening.

Finally, I sought professional orgasm help

I asked a relationship therapist what I should do about my little dilemma. She told me it wasn't uncommon for women (and men) to go through periods of time without arousal and/or climax.

Indeed, when I discussed the situation with one of my best D-loving girlfriends, she told me that she went through an entire year where she wasn't sexually aroused in any way. "It happens," she said, and took a sip of her coffee.

The relationship therapist said that my hyper-focus on my orgasm was most likely contributing to its hiatus. She also suggested that I take a break from sex, as I had likely desensitized my vagina to the point where the nerve endings were weakened. Whoops.

I decided to take her advice and put aside all of my type-A neuroses and chill the F out. I siphoned my sexual energy into my writing, my favorite shows, and the gym. I told myself that my orgasm would return.

And it turned out, I was correct. Within a few weeks of deep breathing and laser-focusing on things other than my clitoris, I got all of the sensation back. Pressure off, I was able to relax enough to come.

So, for all you ladies out there who aren't feeling sexual these days: it's probably OK. I suggest you stop thinking so much about it, put your vagina on holiday, and catch up on some other things you enjoy doing. Those orgasms can be lost -- but rarely forever.

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Gigi is Thrillist's Sex and Dating staff writer. She hopes her tale of woe never finds you, friend. Follow her lovable crazy on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @GigiEngle.