The Foolproof Guide to Getting Laid Without Dating Apps

Vintage photo of couple on dating sharing drink
Everett Collection/Shutterstock

There's too much focus these days on utilizing dating apps as a means to find a relationship. We're not saying there's anything wrong with Tinder, Bumble, or even that one weirdo Disney dating app... but making a connection by way of a tiny white box at the bottom of your phone isn't for everyone.

So, in order to alleviate the pressure of having to download yet another app and figure out how to type out "Hey, how are you?" in a creative way, here's an online guide for getting offline and dating the old-fashioned way. In real life.

Leave your apartment

A vital step in any improvement in your life (unless you spend too much time outside), leaving your apartment is the fastest way to meet someone in the real world. While preparing to exit your front door, make sure you have plenty of supplies on your person. These supplies include, but are not limited to: keys, wallet, shoes, and perhaps some money. Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Go somewhere pretty people go 

Let's say you live in a city like New York. In New York, there are plenty of establishments that serve liquor, as well as other less-alcoholic establishments that serve coffee. Go to one or both of these establishments with friends or by yourself and keep your eyes open for someone who makes blood rush to your private parts.

Talk to someone you find attractive

So, now you're properly engorged. You have now entered into the hardest part of dating in real life, making a connection with a person in a setting that doesn't allow you to type out a snarky opening comment or send an unsolicited picture of your genitals. This is probably the hardest part about dating. Try something simple like, "hello" or even offer to buy them a drink.

Ask them about themselves and try to converse

Now, before you start talking all willy-nilly, try to read their body. You don't need an expert on the art of body language to get whether a person wants to talk to you.

Go on a date

A date is where two (or more?!) people get to know each other in a new environment by way of speaking with their mouths. Gesticulating is allowed as well. This is your chance to be adventurous: try a new restaurant, try a new item at an old restaurant, take a walk in a park, meander around the city, just spend time together at a location.

Vintage photo of couple sitting in car
Everett Collection/Shutterstock

Follow up

This long-debated argument has been discussed and dissected since cavemen had iPhones. When do you call/text a person after you just saw them? You have sites like Txtwar, which "strategically" tell you the best time to contact someone -- all based on different factors like physical appearance and how much you like the person -- but there's no accurate blanket statement for everyone.

Here's a thought: feel it out and be cool. If the person seems as into you as you are them, then why hold back? Text them and tell them you want to see them again. If they seem especially enthusiastic and keep texting you, keep texting them. If they give short answers with lots of punctuation, maybe they aren't into chit-chat, so leave them alone. Just play it by ear.

Continue seeing them on a regular basis

You're regularly seeing someone on a regular basis and it seems to be going well... great, you've successfully managed to complete some vital hurdles in a relationship without even swiping once. Now, here's where you have to really put in some work... continue seeing them.

It sounds crazy and there might be some hiccups along the way, but you have no idea how conducive to a relationship regularly seeing someone can be.

Retain some chill

This is probably the second-hardest part of this whole dating scene: retaining chill. Jealousy is a valid feeling that plenty of people can't help, but that doesn't mean you have to let it take over.

Instead of blowing a fuse every time she's out late with her friends, try something fun like reading a goddamn book and having your own life.

Figure out what the relationship is

Don't ghost, don't be a "fuccboi," try to avoid a one-sided open relationship, and don't fret commitment. Let it unfold naturally, but make sure you're both on the same page. How do you ensure this? Try talking to your significant other and ask if they feel the same way you do... literally a child could do it.

Get married, have kids, live until you die

Of course, there are plenty of things that happen in between all those major events... but yeah, that's kind of the gist of it.

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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and used this specialized method to meet his current beau.