Duet 8GB Lux: $219. It's a dildo! It's an iPod! It's a dildo! It's an iPod! It's a dildo and an iPod? Look at it this way, you're one step closer to living out Johnny Mnemonic when your vagina can hold 2,000 songs.
Droplet necklace: $395. A necklace that doubles as a vibrator which delivers a "subtle but insistent" vibration for exhibitionists who demand pleasure whilst awaiting their bone marrow-infused whipped cream at Dorsia.
LELO TIANI 24k: $399. Shockingly, this is not the only gold-plated vibrator on the list.
Cat whip: $535. It's made from genuine gold and leather and is to be used in a BDSM scenario for affluent first-time bondage noobs who refuse to let anything less than pure, unfiltered luxury welt up their asses.
LELO INEZ: $15,000. Yep, $15,000 for something you stick inside your body and have to clean off with a wet rag after you goop all over it. My apologies to Goop for using the word "goop" in such a mischievous way. Crafted from stainless steel and covered in real 24-karat gold, it's touted for "those who understand that you can't put a price on pleasure" and can only be purchased by -- we assume -- Gwyneth "Goopy" Paltrow herself.
Grand total? $17,565.79. That's how much it would take to purchase all of these items. It's important to take a step back and realize that you can still make people feel poor by way of sex toys. Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, for making me feel like I'll never amount to anything in life. I'm going to go take a tepid bath.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and wishes he hadn't first seen Shakespeare in Love with his parents.