30 Women on the Most Hilariously Bad Things Guys Have Said During Sex
When the mood strikes, the lighting is set, your “downstairs” is groomed, and your mattress mate is someone you love (or at least love to see naked), sex can be quite the pleasurable experience (to say the very, very least).
But there are also those times when sex is... not so sexy. You know, like when your partner’s idea of “using his mouth” involves making mid-coitus cat noises. Saucy bedroom-speak is an art form -- and when his version of that involves bad puns or referring to your lady parts as a starchy vegetable, the only big “O” happening tonight will be you saying, “‘O’ my God, how quickly can an Uber get me out of here?”
Here, 30 women of all ages share horrific IRL sexytime buzzkills of the verbal nature that have left their nether regions still recoiling -- in some cases, decades later.
"After going down on me, the guy I was with said, 'Om nom nom.' He sounded like a cat meme and I still cringe when I think about it." -- Allyson, 32
"This guy in college started baby-talking me in bed about two months after he took my virginity. Once he whipped those guns out, I couldn't do it anymore and NEEDED to see what else was out there. It was too bad, because he was so hot and nice otherwise." -- *Rosie, 29
"I used to hook up with this guy who would actually purr in bed -- yes, like a cat -- and say, 'Yeah, I know what you like' over and over again as he repeatedly failed to get me off... so clearly, no, he didn't know." -- *Zelda, 24
The "do not ask" list
"My boyfriend was undressing me before sex when he said, 'Are these Walmart panties?' For the record, it was a silk white thong from an upscale department store!" -- *Bianca, 29
"Things were getting hot and heavy with my boyfriend (now ex) in his childhood bedroom when we were there for a holiday break. But then he said, 'Can we just do it standing up from behind? That twin bed won't be able to hold both our weight.' I'm all for trying different positions, but making a girl feel heavy right before you 'do it' isn't exactly the most alluring proposition." -- *Lynn, 29
"'Do we really need to use a condom?' is always a classic." -- Meagan, 28
"After going down on me, the guy I'm dating goes, 'Do you have any mouth wash?' I got so mad. Like, what the hell, can't we cuddle first?" -- *Noelle, 29
"I was sleeping with this guy once who attempted anal without asking me first; naturally, my reaction was one of surprise and he goes, 'Oh, is that going to be a problem?' Um, yeah, how could you think entering the back door without consent wouldn’t be an issue?!" -- *Janie, 30
"I used to hook up with this guy who would actually purr in bed."
"A guy in college I had been into forever came home with me one night. We were hooking up and he was on top of me in bed when he goes, 'Do you want to make sloshy?' Sloshy?! So un-hot, but my friend and I are still laughing about it 10 years later." -- *Mandy, 30
"I was having sex with the guy I had been hooking up with and after I finished he goes, 'Damn, could I borrow a poncho?' OK, so I get really wet when I'm excited... but what's wrong with that?!" -- *Karli, 25
"One time a guy said 'thank you' after. That was awkward." -- Beth, 28
"My husband and I owned several businesses together. Apparently he was unable to compartmentalize, because one night during sex, he actually tried to discuss business with me. I looked at him like, you have to be kidding me! Well, I bought him out of the business and we're divorced now." -- Nedalee, 46
"I was having sex with this guy I had been seeing, and I guess my moaning was loud because he actually told me to 'shut up' while he was inside of me! Don't take me back to your parents' house if you're that worried about them hearing us." -- *Jenna, 30
"This guy was doing me from behind and he kept slapping my ass and saying, 'Giddy up, girl!' Yeah, giddy up right out of here, you lame-o." -- *Allie, 24
"I was tipsy and in the midst of hooking up with this guy... and he fell asleep mid-blow job. His silence was far more deafening than anything he could have said." -- *Monica, 29
"I was being very verbal in bed with a fellow, when he started laughing, lost his erection, and said, 'You sound like a bad porn movie.' Needless to say that was the last time I had sex with him!" -- Cynthia, 72
"He was on top of me in bed when he goes, 'Do you want to make sloshy?'"
"During a super-steamy bedroom session, the guy asked me, 'So, have you ever thought about taking it up the poop shoot?' Well, even if I had considered experimenting, you just ruined your shot." -- *Lea, 29
All in the family
"'Let’s role-play that we're step-siblings.' … Um, what?" -- *Gabrielle, 28
"I was giving a guy head and he actually called me 'mom.' No, not in a sexy 'mami' way. Like straight-up, 'Yes, mom, keep doing that.' It was supposed to be praise, but I was not into it after he said that. Why are you thinking about your mother while your balls are in a girl's mouth?" -- Margaret, 25
"I was having period sex with my boyfriend; when we were finished, he looked down at his, er, red-hued junk, and goes, 'Ew.' Come on, dude, you knew what you were signing up for!" -- *Isabelle, 33
The worst compliments, ever
"After giving my ex a blow job back in the day, he told me, 'That was so good, I feel like I should pay you.' I guess it was supposed to be a compliment, but for obvious reasons it made me feel like a dirty hooker." -- *Bella, 24
"'La tua patata stretta mi fa god ere moltissimo,' which is Italian for, 'I enjoy your tight potato so much.'" -- *Maria, 25
"After sleeping with this guy [back when I was 20 years old], he goes, 'Wow, Susan -- that was great.' Well, except for the fact that my name isn't Susan. I also knew who Susan was, and we looked nothing alike. So I replied, 'Yes it was, Steve,' knowing very well his name wasn't Steve, either." -- *Christina, 59
"One time, I was [hooking up with a guy] and he says to me, 'Your musk reminds me of a man's when I kiss you.' It made me feel self-conscious about not being clean enough; I was also wondering how he know what kissing a man tasted like." -- E.A., 36
"A guy was undressing me and goes, 'Wow, you have thighs like tree trunks.' I don't know if it was supposed to be an insult or a weird compliment, but it felt horrible to have my biggest insecurity spoken out loud to me during what was supposed to be an intimate moment." -- *Jill, 30
"'Let's role-play that we're step-siblings.' … Um, what?"
The wrong way to drop your relationship status
"One guy very conveniently waited until after we banged to tell me that he had a girlfriend. Now I always ask [about his relationship status] upfront!" -- *Lisa, 30
"There are many variations of a guy informing you right after intercourse that he doesn't want commitment... and they're all terrible." -- Barbara, 67
"Immediately after having sex with this guy, he picked up his phone and started texting. When I asked what he was doing, he shared that he was responding to his [female] friend who was going through a bad time with her husband; he then threw in, 'She actually hits on me sometimes.' Huh?! Talk about a buzzkill." -- Kerri, 50
Things are looking… down
"Back in college, I had just given my boyfriend at the time my first blow job ever. I finished and came up for some kissing, only to be pushed away. He tells me, 'I'm like a dog -- I don't eat my own shit.' Oh, but it's OK for me to?! I sent him packing -- hopefully my first BJ was his last." -- *Laurie, 42
"The guy I was seeing was about to go down on me when he said, 'Is it lunchtime yet? Cuz I'm hungry!' then proceeded to groan weirdly. Chill with the noises and puns, you haven't even started yet!" -- *Anne, 24
* Names have been changed
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