While you’re rummaging through kitchen cabinets and the fridge, watch out for these items in order to avoid a MacGruber:
NO to fish oil
My god, the smell. And it’s expensive. But, the smell.
NO to butter
Despite what Marlon Brando made famous in one of the worst sex scenes in the history of cinema, you should definitely not use butter as a lubricant. It contains casein proteins from the milk, which can become rancid pretty quickly. You want to keep rotting animal proteins away from your genitals, as a general rule.
NO to sugar: syrup, honey, agave nectar, lentil syrup
Nothing with sugar! There is nothing worse you could do to a vagina than get a bunch of sugar right where yeast are most likely to grow. Not only will this cause possible infections, but it will also just be a sticky nightmare to clean up even if you’re using it for anal. Avoid at all costs.
NO to lard
Why do you have lard in your house? Are you baking 19th-century pies? Trying to mimic the consistency of that terrible grocery store bakery icing? Are you Amish? You’ve already been warned: no animal proteins!
NO to bacon grease
It’s just lard with more personality! Unless you’re buying uncured, unpreserved bacon and thrice-filtering your grease, you’re just going to be jamming little bits of bacon and preservatives up into your sex partner who, may I remind you, is not the mammalian equivalent of a turducken. “But bacon makes everything better! What could be better than bacon-flavored sex?” you say. If you feel this way, get yourself some bacon-flavored lube and call it a day.