Sex Tips for Boring People

Sex Tips for Boring People: Friend-Zoning, Hitting Bottom, and New Sex Positions

Andy Kryza/Thrillist

Sex Tips for Boring People will take your sex life from vanilla to passion fruit. Or at least from vanilla to vanilla bean. Find more sexy advice right here.

How do I get out of the friend zone?

Well, this is the actual worst. You think you're making progress with a girl as she's opening up to you, telling you the most intimate details of her life, having yet another glass of wine... and then she turns to you and says, "you’re SUCH a good friend." Instant boner killer. 

Usually being friend-zoned is a point of no return, because when a woman decides that you’re just a friend it's because she has already picked out 57 reasons why she does not want to be with you/have sex with you. This all probably happened within 15 minutes of your first interaction, and you never even knew it. Sorry. If you've been friend zoned, all hope is probably lost that you will ever get naked together. 

HOWEVER! There have been a few noble and worthy gentlemen who have managed to claw their ways out of this familiar hole and into another, more elusive one: the vagina.

When a woman friend-zones you it’s because she thinks she knows you. She thinks you're predictable and she wants no part of whatever it is you're serving. The only way to get out of the friend zone is to surprise her and show her that you are, in fact, an enigma. Women are sexual beings and they are certainly attracted to physical qualities, but the gateway to a woman's nether regions is through her mind. It's actually science -- women need mental stimulation before they get physically stimulated. If you can pique her interest, get her thinking that you are not all that you seem, or catch her off guard (but, you know, not rapey), then you definitely have a solid shot of getting out of the friend zone and into her pants. 

When a long penis hits "bottom" in a woman, what is it hitting?

Well hello there, and welcome to the cervix! When a penis goes all the way in, and is long enough, he will be hitting the back of a woman’s vagina, or her cervix. For most women, this feels equivalent to a pap smear... which, for the record, is not fun. The best way to prevent this is to take it slow and figure out the point at which to stop before inducing all those crampy, painful feelings we associate with going to the gynecologist. Which, again, for the record, is not fun.

Are there two or three sex positions other than missionary or doggie style you can recommend for a fairly tame couple to try?

Absolutely!! Just because you and your significant other aren't into sex swings, shower sex, or The Wheelbarrow doesn't mean you can’t still mix it up in the sack. Here are a few that will add just enough spice to please jalapeño lovers, without having to go full-on ghost pepper. 

The Spoon: Chances are if you like tame sex, then you probably LOVE spooning, so this position will be great for you. Have her lie on her side while you lift your top leg from behind. In this position, you can be in control by grabbing her hips and rubbing her... sensitive areas. She can increase the level of intensity by turning to hold your neck while you do your thing.

Reverse cowgirl: If you’ve mastered missionary and doggie style, you're probably also a black belt in Girl on Top. Reverse cowgirl is a fun little twist on an old classic where the woman is on top facing the man's feet. If your guy is an ass man, then you know he's enjoying the view. And if he's not an ass man, I guarantee you he's still not complaining. And because it’s easier for women to orgasm on top, she's getting off and everyone is happy. 

The Lap Dance: Leverage is the key in this move. Have him sit in an armless chair while you straddle him with both your feet on the ground. With the assistance of his hands on your hips, you can use your legs to achieve that desired "in-and-out" motion that is so critical to sex. 

For a list of other fun out-of-the-box sex positions, check this out

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Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist and has always been partial to the habanero. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter: @drillinjourneys