Breakup Problems Only Millennials Will Understand
A good friend of mine recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend. Yes, couples have separated for thousands if not millions of years. But in one particularly excruciating bit, he detailed how since they broke up at 3am, she didn't want to stay the night and wanted to leave immediately.
Being his sad but tech-loving self, he books her an Uber. And then he proceeds to watch on his iPhone's Uber app as the car takes her from his place in Brooklyn to her home in the Upper West Side (35 minutes), knowing that this will be his last interaction with her. Painful? Weirdly beautiful? Also, that was a $49 Uber!
I was wondering what other cruel ways technology has betrayed us post-breakup. Here's a list I came up with.
Your ex finally declining a recurring GCal event for your weekly Friday date night.
Seeing on Netflix what episode your ex is on for a show you used to watch together.
Your ex requesting $75 on Venmo for last month's concert.
Your ex conquering your Pokémon Go gym.
Noticing that your ex unfollowed you on Instagram. And Twitter. And SoundCloud. That's low. You don't even want to listen to my dope, impeccable music taste?
However, you notice your ex is still stalking you on LinkedIn.
Having to change your phone background back to that normal galaxy shit.
Continually seeing your ex on the chat bar on Gmail and Facebook.
Seeing your ex pop up on "suggested friends" because you unfriended him/her right after breaking up.
Having to add your ex back on Facebook because it's starting to get really annoying.
Finding your ex commenting "so true" on Medium posts about shitty boyfriends.
You then realize that you no longer have access to your ex's Amazon Prime account, either. Life is cruel. Guess you have to walk to CVS now.
Switching over to Foursquare because Yelp just has all the spots you and your ex went to. Just kidding. No one uses Foursquare.
Your 282-day Snapchat record with your ex disappears.
Watching your ex's Snapchat stories and realizing she doesn't watch yours. Ever.
Being taken off your couple collaborative playlist on Spotify. Are you kidding?
Switching Spotify to private because you've been listening to "Someone Like You" and "Marvin's Room" on repeat.
All the YouTube recommendations on your account are stupid videos of otters holding hands that your ex kept sharing with you. You can't get them to go away. Why are they so cute?
Your ex's friends keep tagging her in Facebook memes and shirtless dudes. It shows up at the top of your news feed every time you log in.
Having to delete your ex's address on Seamless/Grubhub because it was the default.
Changing your Blue Apron meal plan from "Dinners for two" to "Dinners for one." Forever alone…
Finding your ex on Tinder and swiping right to see what happens. You don't match. WAHHH.
Ugh, breakups are brutal. Cheers.
This story originally appeared on Medium.
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