How to Avoid the Biggest One-Night Stand Mistakes
I'm all for getting some casual ass after a night out. There is nothing wrong with a one-night stand. But you've gotta admit, one-night stands are a tricky business even for the most seasoned casual-sexxers among us. On one hand, you scored some tail.
On the other, you're now faced with morning-after awkwardness, a walk of shame, and the need to conduct yourself in the ensuing days like a normal, sane, rational human being.
Do you text? Do you ask her out again?
Luckily, we have the ultimate guide for you: the quintessential ONS execution handbook for all your casual-sex needs.
Here is how to have a successful, casual romp while avoiding all the biggest one-night stand mistakes so many of us make.
Ladies, always have an extra pair of underwear
Fuck having a sweater or a hat, you should always have an extra pair of underwear on your person.
This is one of the many lessons I learned in my 20s that has come in handy countless times. No matter the night, the time of year, or what you have planned; always have a change of underpants with you. Stick them in your backpack, purse, or a very deep pocket, I don't care.
You never really know where the night is going to take you and the last thing you need is a vagina you can literally smell. This isn't just because of sex, either. Sometimes you just need to put on a fresh pair of panties.
Don't expect the other person to have condoms
I feel like a lot of women don't want to carry condoms because it makes them look "slutty" and a lot of guys don't carry condoms because they don't want to wear them. Being slutty is a good thing so get your head out of your ass and not wearing a condom is fucking dumb.
It's good to have sex, as long as you're safe about it.
It's a lot better to have backup resources than it is to find out midway through foreplay that no one has a condom and you're fucked (not in a good way). Always have condoms in your purse or pocket.
Don't sneak out in the morning, it's tackyPLEASE don't run away at 6am after screwing a stranger. You shouldn't be ashamed of the sex you just had. It's good you had sex. Yay you!
Now, if it's 11am and this dude or lady is still passed out and you're bored, sure you can leave. You are not obligated to wait until sleeping beauty has woken up if you have stuff to do today. That's not sneaking out -- that's just remembering you have a pile of laundry to do and groceries to buy. Peace out!
Actually, if you can keep the one-night stands at your apartment, that's idealIf you've got the choice, bring the guy or girl back to your place instead of opting for his or her shitty apartment in Bumblefucknowhere, Queens. All of your stuff is at home. There is no stride of pride. You can sleep in your own bed.
NOTE: if you're averse to strangers sleeping over or have problems telling someone to get out of your place, go to his or her apartment.
Breakfast is nice, but it shouldn't be expectedDon't stick around in the morning with the expectation that this guy or girl is going to make/buy you breakfast. It would definitely be polite if they offered breakfast, but they are not obligated to feed you.
Don't ask for it. It's rude and makes things weird. Err on the side of caution. If he or she suggests breakfast, cool. If not, just go home and make yourself some eggs.
Feel out your goodbyeHopefully, this guy or girl will walk you to the door (if he or she doesn't, a wave goodbye from the bed will do). Make your goodbye friendly and chill. Definitely don't try to come in for a kiss. Just give them a quick hug, leave, and go on about your day.
If he or she wants to kiss you and you're not down, just pretend to suddenly see a button on your shirt that might be falling off. Pretend that button is REALLY interesting.
Avoid double texting (or triple texting, I see you!)
It's perfectly acceptable to text your ONS and say you had a nice time last night. That is polite. Some people might say don't text this person at all, but it's always better to be friendly (assuming things went well). If you want to go out again, you can suggest that.
DO NOT double or triple text your ONS if they don't reply. No reply = no interest. Is that rude? Yes. But it does not give you the right to go completely insane on this person, unleashing the wrath of scorned lovers everywhere. It does not make you look cool, strong, or smart. It makes you look fucking crazy.
Remind yourself that this was a ONSDon't make this something it's not. Don't linger at his or her apartment and do not expect that this person is going to spend the rest of the day with you. This is very likely not going to become a relationship.
This random guy or girl you met last night is not the person of your dreams. That's really OK.
You don't have to feel pressured to make this mean something to make yourself feel better about fucking someone. That's not healthy. Just go home, have a cup of tea, and binge-watch your favorite show.
Stop caring what someone else thinks about you
I have far too many girlfriends messaging me and calling me saying they're worried they look like sluts after a ONS. Who cares what some guy or girl (who was having sex with you last night) thinks about your choices? If he or she decides to judge you, they suck. Move on from those feelings of guilt. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.