The other day, BAE felt frisky and wanted to get it in. But the second he got on top of me, the space between our bodies became abundantly sweaty and gross. I couldn't breathe. "GET OFF OF ME!" I yelled. "IT IS TOO DAMN HOT IN HERE."
It was decidedly THTF -- TOO HOT TO FUCK! And we'd made one major mistake: a lack of preparation. The time for spontaneous nooky is gone until the fall. Accept it. For the next month, your job is to properly plan so you don't wind up missing out on some booty just because your partner is on the verge of passing out from the heat.
Here are 11 ways to have sex when it is too goddamn hot outside.
1. Start the AC before you go out for the night
Listen, comrade. I know the air-conditioner bills are out of f-ing control this summer. But do you really want to add "not getting laid" to your list of woes? If you want to have sex, turn the AC on BEFORE you bring a lady or gentleman friend home with you. No one is going to screw you if they walk into your apartment and it's a sticky, humid swamp. Priorities.
2. ... and face the fan TOWARD your bed
In these times of August-heat struggle, the AC may not be enough. Get yourself a fan and face it toward your bed. You'll soon forget you're marooned in a studio apartment with no natural light and instead feel transported to a tropical island, tickled by a gentle breeze mid-bang session.
Alright, so it won't be that great. But whatever -- it will increase your chances of coming.
3. Strip before you get down
Seductively removing each other's clothes in moments of fiery passion is sexy and everything, but it's TOO HOT FOR THAT. Do you really want yellow stains in the armpits of every white shirt you own? Do you?!
If you're going to have sex, just get naked first. Tell your prospective bed-buddy that you want to play out that scene from The Notebook. I'm kidding. Please don't do that.
But DO strip before you have sex. Your precious clothing will thank you.
4. Mint-flavored lube could trick your brain
If you're giving a blow job in this heat, Godspeed. Seriously, good for you. Flavored lube can make the blow-job experience a little more… appetizing.
Since it's summer, why not take it a step further? Cool down with some mint-flavored lube. You can maybe even trick your brain into forgetting how disgusting it is outside. I'm a big fan of Good Head's Mystical Mint. It's the perfect antidote to these absurd temperatures.
5. Keep the shades drawn
Keeping your shades down creates the illusion of a sexy sex lair AND keeps the sun's rays of death from heating up your boudoir. You'll have to close them anyway, to keep out the peeping Toms.
If you can avoid having the sun come into your room, just do it. Sex is better than vitamin D, right?! ... Anyone?
6. Make use of your ice tray
Up your sexual ante and bring down your temperature by incorporating that ice tray your mom bought you for Christmas that you never seem to use into your sex life. Take an ice cube and run it along erogenous zones such as the nipples and between your partner's inner thighs.
7. Try non-contact sex positions
Stay nice and far away from missionary, OK? Instead, stick to positions that require as little body contact as possible. Doggy-style is a good choice because you get all of the penetration without all of that skin rubbing, friction, and sweat. Sex is already a cardio workout. Don't add unnecessary warmth.
8. Do it in front of the open fridge
If you DO want to save those hard-earned dollar bills and don't want to crank your AC to Arctic temps, you can always get it on in front of the fridge, with the door open. The combination of body sweat and cool air coming off the fridge is actually super erotic.
And then, after you've both had Earth-shattering orgasms, you can reach into the fridge and grab a couple beers. Boom.
9. Take it slow
To stave off dying by heat stroke, try to keep your heart rate as low as you can. If you go to Pound Town at 70mph, you will get overheated and it will not be fun (read: you will die). Instead of going at it like a couple of gorillas in heat, opt for some slow and sensual lovemaking. It’s too damn hot for the porno sex, my friend.
10. Shower sex might be fun (for once)
Shower sex is complicated and uncomfortable. Rarely does it produce an orgasm and often does it produce a strained back. But, it's summer, and the options are pretty limited here. Shower sex is better than no sex. And if you're totally clueless on how to pull it off, here's a guide.
11. Low-key accept that you're going to be sweaty and disgusting
At the end of the day, you have to just grin and bear that there is no avoiding becoming a dripping, vile, overheated mess when it is this goddamn hot outside. It is summertime and summer means SWEAT. Embrace it. You've only got a month left.