Sex + Dating

How to Slow Sex Down So Everyone Can Have an Orgasm

how to slow sex down orgasm gap
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist

It's time to close the orgasm gap.

Have you ever been in the midst of full-blown sex, with everything going really well, and just as you're about to orgasm your partner is finished? They had an orgasm and you missed out?

Unfortunately, women find themselves in this position more often than not. The orgasm gap is getting in the way of us ladies coming -- and that's just not fair.

The orgasm gap, explained

It takes women an average of 13 minutes longer than men to have an orgasm. That is one hell of a jump. I don't know about you, but getting off in five minutes is only possible when I'm alone with my Hitachi Magic Wand. "The orgasm gap is built into our different male and female physiology," says Wendy Strgar, loveologist and founder of the lubricant company Good Clean Love.

We've got to find a workable solution to this problem. Everyone deserves to have an orgasm during sex. It's an unspoken agreement of coitus: You get to orgasm, I get to orgasm, and everyone is happy.

So, what do we do? We've got to slow sex down.

Now, I'm all for that hard-and-fast quickie, don't get me wrong, but if mama is going to come, we have to decelerate speed to increase the possibility of orgasm, closing the gap once and for all.

God bless America.

Sex begins the minute we enter the space

Sex doesn't start the minute we get the P in the V. It begins the moment we decide to get frisky: from foreplay, to sexual touching, to full-on intercourse.

"Slowing down the time, giving ourselves more time to be curious and explore pleasure, helps both genders," Strgar says. "Taking the focus away [to] rush toward intercourse eases the anxiety about sexual performance. Penetration should always follow [a] clitoral orgasm because the female blossom[s] with this kind of pleasure."

This means making sure you properly prepare your S.O.'s lady flower before going full bore.

Foreplay all day

To slow sex down, you've got to slow foreplay down. For many of us impatient freaks (myself included), foreplay can get overlooked in the heat of the moment. One second you're kissing, the next second you've got penetration. It's OK -- it happens to the best of us.

"Doubling your [foreplay] time will change not only the climax, but the relationship itself," Strgar says. "Devote those extra minutes to [a] sensuous massage." You can also try a little light feather play with a tickler or some nipple stimulation. Don't forget the power of touch! Run your hands all over your partner's body with gentle tickles, rubbing, even light scratching. Delaying the main event will build anticipation... and arousal.

"Take note of how it feels to just rub the temples, the inner thighs, the sacrum," Strgar says. "Sexual pleasure spots exist all over the body; and each one heightens genital response."

Use your brain

Strgar says having good sex is about being able to calm your mind and be in the moment. "Redirect your mindset about sex from performance (or achievement) to sensing and expanding pleasure in all its forms."

The brain is the strongest sex organ we have. The ability to fantasize and focus our brains to open our bodies to pleasure can be the difference between orgasm and dissatisfaction. Remember, it's not about how you perform during sex -- it's about enjoying the experience.

Enhance your senses

Another way to enhance foreplay is to focus on all of your senses, not just touch.

Strgar advises paying attention to your partner's taste. It will keep you in the moment and more engaged, both of which make encounters infinitely more erotic. Listen to the sounds being made, which are also highly instructive while you pleasure each other.

Scent is another big one in the bedroom. Essential oils function like aphrodisiacs: Put a little jasmine on your inner wrist to get your partner in the mood. Trust me on this.

And finally, the sex

Yes, the sex itself is also important, people. Once you've really enhanced pretty much every single nerve ending known to man, you'll probably be reeling to get that penetrative situation going.

Not so fast! Even during intercourse, you need to be in the moment. Strgar says it's all about the strokes -- you want to vary between full-depth peen and intense, shallow dives. "Slow down penetration by using different types of strokes, making patterns that both partners are following [both shallow and deep]," she says. "Space the deep ones as far apart as you can, for as long as you can."

This kind of love-making isn't just great for pleasure, but also your relationship as a whole. "It will surprise you and also bring you closer together during intercourse," Strgar says. And that, of course, is good for everyone -- and their orgasms.

Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.

Gigi Engle is Thrillist's Sex and Dating staff writer. "Slow the sex down" sounds like it should be a song. Follow Auntie G's lovable crazy on Twitter, iTunesFacebook, and Instagram @GigiEngle.