Don't social media stalk (yet)
Riding the subway home basking in a strange combination of indignity and pride is NOT the time to find a pocket of cell service and Facebook friend the person whose house you JUST left. She’s not even awake yet! Don’t even risk scrolling through Instagram -- you're likely hungover, so a slip of the finger due to sub-par motor skills could lead to an accidental “like,” which will earn you the “stalker” label. Play it cool and abide by the three-day rule -- if you’re the impatient kind, at least wait until after 5pm that night.
Surviving All Saints' Day
Maintaining your self-worth the day after a Halloween sexcapade is its own animal. My friends and I have actually made a brunch game out of THIS spectacle: on Nov 1, post up by a diner window and sip your mimosa every time a slutty devil/slutty cat/slutty Crayola crayon hobbles by like a wounded fawn. The double standard is this: we’ve all done it (probably in college), but we’re still going to laugh at your misfortune and mangled Katy Perry costume. Don’t give anyone that satisfaction. Request an Uber to get you door to door. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, do not stop at Starbucks, and go straight to jail (I mean, home).