The under-the-covers fart
I’ve experimented with this one quite a bit, and found that even the most pungent of flatulence goes unnoticed if you do it right. (Caveat: I use a comforter, a thick barrier between fart and nose. If you only sleep with a top sheet, I cannot vouch for the reliability of this method.) Make sure your partner doesn’t lift the covers for about five minutes after you’ve let one out.
The gas lingers there for longer than you’d think, as anyone who’s farted under the sheets and then gone under for a quick whiff of ass vapor knows. The under-the-covers fart is best for quiet farts, which, in my experience, often come in the morning, when you don’t want to disturb the peace by getting up and going to the bathroom.
The bathroom fart
The bathroom fart works beautifully if you don’t use it too much. Your significant other is going to be suspicious if you’re sneaking off to the bathroom every 10 minutes to let one out. He or she will probably begin to think that you have more problems with your stomach than a bit of gas floating around in there. Anyway, it’s helpful if you have to pee, in which case you can flush the toilet right as you do the deed.
Bathrooms don’t hide as much sound as we think, so if you can also turn on the fan and perhaps the sink, then all the better. Throw in a cough, too, just to be safe. Oh yeah, also activate any fans if that’s an option. Make sure your partner isn’t going in right after you, and try to leave the door slightly ajar so the room can air out gradually.
The piecemeal fart
Done right, this is one of the most efficient techniques. You have to know that you’re capable of releasing the fart in bits and pieces until it’s fully out of your system. It can’t be so big that it comes out entirely when you start squeezing. (Those are best for the bathroom.) If you push out a bit here, a bit there, over the course of five or 10 minutes, no one will be the wiser.
This method is most practical when you’re eating dinner, preferably out at a restaurant, so your significant other can’t see what’s going on below the table as you carefully flex your sphincter to siphon out the gas. Be mindful that your facial expressions don’t give it away. Take a sip of your drink when you do it, just in case, so your face is partially hidden.