I kicked off my college career as any young co-ed newly freed from parental supervision does: by drinking far too much alcohol multiple times a week, partying with other young-adult amateurs, and having copious amounts of S-E-X.
Going to school in the middle of New York City meant that outside my dorm of horny weirdos I had the whole of Manhattan as my campus. There were no frats, cliques, or bonding bullshit -- but there were many, many clubs. I befriended a lot of club promoters, friends of club promoters, and a bouncer named Chaz who wore pastel polo shirts and could bench press an Audi. And I got laid. A lot.
Looking back, it's hard to remember any night where I wasn't in someone else's bed or didn't have someone in my bed. The good old days. It's a wonder I managed to keep up pretty excellent grades. Here are all the lessons I learned through my countless sexcapades.
Lots of sex is a learning experience
College is full of interesting people from all over the world. F*cking all those interesting people will lead to many a lesson learned. Some of those lessons won't be so great. There's nothing like having sex with a Colombian man named Jorge, whilst standing in a moldy communal shower, that will make you wish for home -- the molding shower was the shitty part. Jorge, you were great. Hey, that's college.
Did I f*ck people I shouldn't have? Definitely. I had sex with a bunch of assholes and even one guy who had a girlfriend back home. Do I regret it? No way! Each sexual experience you have is a part of who you are. Every one of those dickwads I banged taught me something about the world.
Not to mention, you're there for four years and then you'll never have to see these people EVER again.
You should ignore shaming
From the time we're little girls, we're told to be ashamed of sex and of our bodies. Honestly, who has time for that? You're finally away from mom and dad. You're free!
Get out there and explore your sexuality. People might be rude to you. This is because people are terrible. Are you really going to let some 20-year-old asshole dictate how you feel about yourself? No way.
People tried to be mean to me about getting the D. They were just jealous because they were uptight and insecure. Not my problem.
Sexuality is an amazing thing and you should enjoy yourself. This is college. It's about making mistakes, meeting people, and supposedly going to class to learn things, I guess.
Having a boyfriend is mad overrated
Having a college sweetheart is cute and everything, but I think it is SO overrated. When you get out of college, there will be so many boys and so much TIME to be settled down. Do that later. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts and there's no pressure to get married.
College isn't the time for finding a husband, it's the time for finding yourself. So much growth happens in those formative four years. Don't limit yourself.
F*ck anyone you want, but use protection
Getting that booty is all fun and games until someone gets genital herpes. In college, so many of us think we're invincible. This is not the case.
Condoms are not optional, my friend. I know they are a pain in the ass and I know they make your hooha dry up faster than a charcoal face mask, but YA GOTTA. Nearly half of the 20 million diagnosed sexually transmitted diseases are in young adults ages 15-24, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Listen to me: YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET HERPES OR HIV.
There is nothing wrong with being a slut as long as you're safe about it. Go forth, use condoms, and get after it.
Listen to your body
In the first month of college, I started hooking up with this really hot, but painfully dumb guy.
I didn't care because regular dick was something I wasn't going to pass up -- not that I wasn't already getting plenty elsewhere, but still. The problem was, every time we'd have sex, I would get a yeast infection. It took me about a month to put everything together. My body was rejecting this dude. It was saying: NO TO THIS! I DO NOT WANT THIS.
Sometimes your body knows something is jacked up before your brain does. If a guy you're banging is giving you yeast infections, UTIs, etc., say goodbye.
College is the place to slut it up
Low-key, slutting it up in college is easy AF. Never again will you be surrounded by so many available, cute, and horny guys in one place. Take advantage of that. Go out and sow your wild oats.
For the rest of your adult life, you're going to be using dating apps and eHarmony and it could potentially get depressing. Take advantage of this dorm-life thing you have going on here. It's epic.
College is a time for learning about your sexuality. You're young and alive and as free as you ever will be. I look back on those wild nights (and days) and I smile because I know I lived life to the very fullest.