Bravo Sexpert Emily Morse on Getting Over Your BJ Aversion
Done properly, the blow job is a perfect sexual act.
Oral sex is hot, it’s intimate, and it's got the power to catapult you into new relationship territory -- all while hopefully inspiring reciprocity. Yes, a great blow job can be a lot of fun; but there are times when going down can be a bit of a... downer.
Chances are good that if taking a toothbrush to your molars brings tears to your eyes, and you've never met a tongue depressors that didn't make you gag, blow jobs aren't your idea of a good time, either. Even the most manageable member, when brought anywhere near your throat, threatens throat spasms... or worse. Not exactly a mood enhancer. And a sensitive gag reflex paired with a head-pusher, larger-than-average penis, or special request for a deepthroat? Forget it.
But before you turn in your BJ card and give up forever, try these simple oral sex hacks to help repair the problem and keep you on top of your game.
It’s common for your muscles to tense up while performing oral... especially if you’re thinking I’m gonna gag, I’m gonna gag the entire time. The trick is to relax your body and mind beforehand. You know what really helps a girl unwind? Knocking out an orgasm or two ahead of the BJ. Food for thought, guys.
And it’s not just about relaxing your throat during a blow job: your mouth should be loose, too. Don’t worry about keeping your lips super tight around his penis while you’re going down. If you let your lips fall open, you open up your throat a lot more. And don't worry about getting drool everywhere: a little extra lubrication never hurt anybody.
There are also throat-training exercises that will lessen your gag reflex over time. One to try: place a clean finger in your mouth and slowly move the finger down your throat until you start to gag. Practice breathing through your nose while relaxing your throat, resisting the urge to upchuck. The goal here is to stay calm and breathe slowly, building up how long you can last each time. Try to hold it for 10 seconds and repeat a few times the first week. The next week you can try the same thing with a dildo; practice moving it in and out, so you actually hit your gag reflex, then pull out and repeat.You'll start to find that your gag reflex becomes less sensitive the more you work it.
Just the tip
Contrary to what you may have learned from your high-school boyfriend who obviously got his sex ed from porn, you do not have to have his entire penis in your mouth the whole time. In fact, most of the penis’ pleasure is packed into the tip. Use that to your advantage.
Instead of going for the full monty, use your lips, mouth, and the front-half of your tongue to lick, suck, and caress focus most of your oral attention on the head of his penis. And don’t forget to show some extra love to his frenulum, the small V-shaped area nestled on the underside of the penis' head. This, combined with some rhythmic hand strokes, will drive any guy wild -- and costs your throat nothing.
Use your hands
Speaking of strokes, you are not 14 anymore. And you are not bobbing for apples. There is NO REASON your mouth has to do all the work. The trick to a great (and gag-free) blow job is to use the tools at your disposal. Most women don’t realize their hands can provide the pressure and pleasure guys love -- while also providing you with some gag reflex relief.
Here's a great BJ cheat move that recreates a deep-throat sensation without asphyxiation or lockjaw. Get some lube into your hands, then cup one hand around the base of his penis and lightly squeeze. Use the other hand to massage his shaft while you stimulate the head with your mouth. The cupped hand will create a pressure that directs more blood flow to the tip of his member, magnifying his pleasure from your oral handiwork.
Get by with a little help (from your fleshlight)
If you’re not a huge handjob fan to begin with, there is another way to create the same effect. The Fleshlight Quickshot (AKA the "handy hand job helper") has the same patented SuperSkin material as the original male masturbation sleeve, but is open at both ends. The design allows the toy to completely wrap around his penis while leaving the head exposed.
The QuickShot can help you cover more surface area with less effort. Instead of massaging his shaft with your hands, slide the QuickShot up and down the lower part of his penis while your mouth and tongue go to work on the head. The mix of sensations will provide him with a totally blended foreplay experience.
Remember that the most important key to a killer blow job is enthusiasm: the more fun you’re having, the more pleasure he is going to feel. And even if you can’t pull off the daring deepthroat, you still have the tools to blow your partner’s mind.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.
Dr. Emily Morse is a sexologist, relationship expert, host of the top-downloaded podcast Sex with Emily, and star of Bravo TV’s Miss Advised. And she never wants you to gag again. Follow her on Twitter: @SexWithEmily.