Couples That Are Comfortable Talking About Poop Are the Happiest Couples

couple talking about poop
Jennifer Bui/Thrillist/Shutterstock
Jennifer Bui/Thrillist/Shutterstock

Everybody poops. Also, everybody deserves happiness. Therefore, from a logical standpoint, everybody deserves to be able to talk about poop with the person who makes them the most happy. However, that isn't always the case -- sometimes people are just too uptight about it when what they really need to do is unclench and just let it flow freely. The talking, that is. It'll make for a more relaxed, more intimate, more hilarious union. So let's cut (to) the crap and get on with it.

What is the poop conversation?

The poop conversation is what you make of it, but it’s essentially a dialogue between two parties within a relationship in which the schedule and expectations of each other's bowel movements are put out into the open. It involves an honest and open chat about how your bathroom routine works, what the other party should expect, what to avoid, and how to rid the relationship of any poop-related awkwardness. Short version: it's a talk about how ya shit.  

Don't think for a second that you're obligated to dispel more information than you're comfortable with -- there's no pressure to talk about size, coloring, or consistency -- just a solid (hopefully!) overview of when it happens and how both parties should handle it. Observe from this sample conversation.

Person 1: "Hey, babe, mind if I jump in the bathroom before we go out?"
Person 2: "Sure! I'll just wait outside."
Person 1: "Oh, it'll probably be a few minutes. I have to..."
Person 2: "Poop?"
Person 1: "Yes, I have to poop. So, wait inside or you'll catch a cold. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes." 
Person 2: "Cool! I love you." 

Why have the poop conversation?

Look, every relationship is bound to have its awkward moments, but feeling uncomfortable and discouraged every time you walk out of the bathroom is a feeling that will ruin the relationship and make the inevitable walk toward the toilet as painful and jarring as your stomach directly before you go number two. The poop conversation breaks down walls and secures a level of intimacy few people get to experience with other people in their lives. Think of the conversation as a precursor to the wedding ring -- a way to clear the air about everything you've ever done -- before you make a lifetime commitment. It's like listing all your past sexual partners, except partners made out of digested food. 

Plus, feeling embarrassment about the most natural thing on Earth is just ridiculous. Also, do you know how bad it is to hold it in? 

How do you broach the topic?

I know it’s not ideal to be plagued by a case of the shits, but -- speaking from personal experience -- being on the brink of an emergency rectal blowout is the easiest time to gracefully slip the act of defecation into the conversation. Be cool about it, ya know?

Start off with something like, "Babe, I love you, but what you're about to hear and smell in the next 10 minutes might change your life forever." Then, after you're all cleaned up, talk about what just happened. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that your SO doesn't really care about the atrocities you committed in the bathroom. Check out this neat sample conversation.

Person 1: "My god, I can't believe what just happened in there."
Person 2: "Haha, what?"
Person 1: "Well, let's just say it'll be a long time before I have another bite of Mexican food."
Person 2: "Why's that?"
Person 1: "That extra-thick carnitas burrito with a double portion of refried beans just did to my colon what Hitler did to Poland in 1939."
Person 2: "Gotcha! Well, I'll wait a few minutes before I take a shower."
Person 1: "Might want to take 20 minutes."
Person 2: "Yikes."
Person 1: "Wanna have sex?"
Person 2: "Um... maybe later."

Woman holding toilet paper next to toilet

Will it be weird?

A little, sure! It’s not exactly fun to talk about something as unsexy and unbecoming as poop. Poop isn’t romantic, and I’m sure even scat fetishists can get sheepish when exploring the topic of bathroom activities in a non-sexual setting.

However, the weirdness will dispel once you get into the groove of things. Make it a fun night, break out the fancy wine, and get -- at least -- a little bit tipsy to get the ball rolling. After you're done, treat yourself to some ice cream and heavy whipped cream... if you’re lactose intolerant, the events that follow will be a great way to put the ideas you just talked about into practice.

The point is, a truly successful couple should be able to talk about anything, regardless of its taboo nature.

What about the smell?

Hey, it can and will happen... so we got a plumber, Jamie Smith from Mr. Rooter Plumbing, to give some professional advice:

"OK, so first and foremost, flush as soon as you can. The quicker you flush, the less odor there will be. It’s all about the 'courtesy flush.’ If there’s a window, open it up for ventilation. If you can’t find a traditional air freshener, go for the hand lotion and wave your hands in the air to spread the scent. Hairspray and perfume will do the same trick. In all reality, the act of pooping at your significant other’s place for the first time is a groundbreaking moment in the relationship so embrace it and enjoy this new big step between you and your partner."

The poop talk is a necessity

Look, you don’t need some 28-year-old bum writer telling you that everybody poops. Everybody poops, even people with colostomy bags hooked up to their intestines have poop they need to clean out on occasion.

Having the poop talk with your significant other is nothing short of necessary. It’s the next step of the conversation that nobody talks about.

The poop conversation is a highly important catalyst that opens up a whole new world to one another and catapults couples to a place of utter security, trust, and intimacy that most people only have with their best friends or siblings.

What does life look like after the poop talk?

Oh god, it’s so satisfying -- like being exonerated after a decade in jail for a crime you didn’t commit.

Gone will be the days where you have to turn on the radio to cover the sounds of your bathroom crimes, no more will you have to pretend you didn’t spend 30 minutes straining on a porcelain chair, and forever extinguished will be the flame of discontent from the feeling of guilt for a crime that’s not even a crime at all!

So, talk to your lover about poop.

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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and has no more secrets.