Turns out, you don't need a great personality, a winning smile, or a B cup to get yourself a boyfriend. You don't need much, really. Just a smartphone and $14.99. The only catch? He doesn't actually exist.
In today's age of smartphone appendages, it only makes sense that dating would take to the touchscreen. You're already familiar with Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn, Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hitch, PlentyOfFish, HowAboutWe... OH MY GOD!!! But all of these are designed to only get you in the door. They facilitate the awkward, brief interview where you both not-so-secretly size each other up as prospective naked partners. You still have to win that person over. By no means do these apps guarantee a relationship. So instead I decided to try InvisibleBoyfriend.com -- a website that GUARANTEES me a mate, so long as I'm cool with paying for it and never, ever meeting him.
What's in a name?
The process was simple enough. Go to the website and decide whether you're there for an invisible boyfriend or girlfriend. First, select his/her name. You can make up your own or have the computer generate one for you. I wanted this purchasing of a boyfriend to be as realistic as possible, so I took my chances with the randomly selected names, lest I come up with one like Bradley McConaughey. But after meeting Clyde Hugh Botsford, I decided to keep generating names until I found one that seemed at least kind of believable. There was that brief moment with Glenn Amos Murray, followed by Thanh Norris Beahan, Lee Elvin Rice, and Aubrey Salvatore Polo, which was shockingly close to an actual human interaction gone awry that I had recently had. Pass, please. Finally, he appeared: Marcelo Tommie Lindgren. And I just knew.