In Bed With Gigi Engle: Can You Ever Take Back Cheating?
Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: We want to hear it all.
For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com.
I have a girlfriend, whom I care a lot about. She would do anything in the world for me. We hang out all the time, and she is my best friend.
For Christmas this year, my family went to the Bahamas with another family we're very close with. That family has a daughter two years younger than me.
K is my sister's best friend. We have known each other basically since birth. One night, we were all sitting at the bar drinking. Everyone went to bed except for K and me. The next thing I knew, we were sleeping together. I felt terrible. I texted one of my best friends and told him. He asked if I was going to tell my girlfriend. I told him no. I Googled "Can you cheat on someone that you love" and your article on cheating came up. I am crazy about this girl. I can't tell her. Please help.
That's heavy, dude. Wow. I guess the thing I'm wondering now is if you're going to listen to what I have to say and take it like an adult. I am going to try to do my best. You've just asked the queen of BLUNT a question about cheating.
Can you come back from cheating? It's a question us cheaters always ask ourselves, isn't it? How can we move past it? Can we make things work with the person we betrayed?
You read my cheating manifesto, so you know how I feel about cheating on the person you're dating. In case you missed it: Cheating on someone means you just don't love them like you thought you did. You simply don't. When you're truly in love, the idea of touching someone else is repulsive. It isn't something you're willing to do, no matter how many cocktails you've had.
B, you've got to remind yourself that you're 20. You're in college. You're living your life. Things happen. But that doesn't mean this relationship is going to work out right now. It means you have to move on with your life.
It wasn't a kiss, dude. You slept with your sister's best friend. That doesn't happen by accident. You have to start kissing, go somewhere private, get naked, and THEN have sex. You could have stopped this. Don't even try to tell me you had no control because I know you're smarter than that.
Here's the thing: You can't take back what happened. You have to tell your girlfriend you cheated on her. If you don't, you don't have any respect for her. You cheated on her. This was an enormous breach in trust, but it happened. And not telling her what happened is amoral.
If you don't tell her, you don't deserve her forgiveness. You don't want to tell your girlfriend because you're afraid she'll leave you. You're not keeping it a secret to preserve her feelings! You're doing it because you're being selfish. Don't be that guy. Please.
You wouldn't have stayed up after everyone went to bed with this family "friend" and allowed this door to open if you had a solid, trusting relationship with your partner. None of it is even remotely appropriate. How would you feel if your girlfriend did this with her brother's best friend? Doesn't sound so great, does it?
Ask yourself a few questions. Why did you stay after everyone else left? Why did you have more drinks? Why did you kiss her? Why did you go somewhere private? Why did you take your clothes off?
I get that you feel like crap about it. Hell, I've BEEN YOU before. I've spent all day crying at work or school, regretful of my actions and blaming alcohol for my poor decision-making. I didn't write that article about the hard lines of cheating because I wanted shareable content. I wrote it because it's true.
If you have so little respect for this woman that you could break her trust, have sex with someone else, and then LIE about it, you do NOT love her. Don't make your guilt about your girlfriend. Own up to what you did. If you don't, I swear to you someone else will tell her. She will find out. There is NO way around that. K will tell your sister, your friend with tell your girlfriend; someone will make it happen.
You're a kid. Kids make mistakes. You are NOT a bad person. You'll understand the enormity of what love is once you find someone who becomes your everything FOR REAL. I thought I knew what love was when I was 21. I was wrong. I'm still learning to this day.
Tell your girlfriend the truth. If she forgives you, maybe you can see what happens. But I don't see this relationship working out in the long run. Learn from your mistakes and be strong enough to face them.
Love your favorite internet auntie,
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