We'd wake up the next day and act like nothing happened. This went on for months until one morning, fighting a severe hangover in late spring, I realized that my feelings for Rae were not simply the product of alcohol. They were very real.
We went from best friends to girlfriends
I jumped at this miraculous epiphany and asked her to be my girlfriend. I didn't care that I wasn't really gay. "I like people, not genders," I told myself.
We went on dates, held hands, kissed, and fooled around -- but in the three months we were together, we didn't have sex. I tried to sleep with Rae after we'd been drinking and I had the courage to ask, but she always said she wasn't ready.
It didn't take long for me to completely freak out. It wasn't just because Rae was a woman and I was (mostly) straight -- I'm also a huge commitment-phobe. Turns out, the combination was lethal. I still can't decode all my feelings from that time, but I can tell you it was a vivid combination of anxiety, suffocation, and self-loathing.