In Bed With Gigi Engle: If I'm Kinky, Will My Boyfriend Still Respect Me?
Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com.
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Auntie G!
I'm kind of kinky in bed, but also in a new relationship. I sometimes worry that if I get too dirty, my guy won't respect me or think I'm too whore-y. I don't want to drift into sexual object territory. I feel like he likes it, but then is a little shy after. I’m worried I’m scaring him! Advice? -- C
Hey C!
I'm not surprised you feel this way at all, girl. Women spend a lot of time either conforming or desperately fighting off societal pressure to be "good girls." We get a lot of conflicting information. On the one hand, you're told by Auntie Gigi, Cosmo, and other sex-pos media outlets to explore your sexuality. Then, you're told by basically everyone else that you have to acquiesce to a certain ideal if you want to be "marriage material" or "worthy of dating."
And those "ideals" -- the tropes in which our feminine identities have been entrenched -- can make us feel uncomfortable about our own desires. Don't listen to this horse shit. PLEASE. Being a sexual creature who wants to get betwixt the sheets and try kinky-ass stuff is HOT and NORMAL.
That said, let's chat about the importance of open communication in healthy relationships. A little talk about sex isn't going to scare a choice partner off. And if your new boo thang is uncomfortable with some of the things you want to do in bed, he should be able to talk to you about that. It's really about the "why." Why would he feel uncomfortable?
I get your apprehension in bringing up touchy subjects with someone new. But a trusting relationship means being able to explore your sexual fantasies in a safe, non-judgmental place. You should never have to worry about your S.O. thinking you're a slut.
You have to ask yourself: is this all in my head? Am I just projecting my personal insecurities onto my boyfriend? Is he really uncomfortable? Or am I just worried that he's uncomfortable?
Talk about it with your boyfriend. You say he gets shy after you bang -- so ask him why. This is way better than psyching yourself out and possibly creating problems where there are none. When you're cuddling or taking a walk just say, "Hey babe. I really want to talk to you about something. I don't want you to get embarrassed or feel weird. I just want to have a really honest and open conversation because I care about our relationship and your feelings are important to me."
ASK him if the things you're trying are "too much." It's OK if they are! Not every person is going to love some casual BDSM (or whatever it is you're into). Partnerships are about making everyone comfortable and compromising, sexually or otherwise.
What is NOT OK is your boyfriend daring to think less of you (if he actually does).
So, that's what you have to figure out first. If this guy actually thinks you're a "whore" for liking kinky sex, that says a lot more about him and his personal confidence than it does about you. If he can't separate who you are as a person from who you are in bed, that's messed up. If he thinks taboo sex is wrong, he's the one with the problem -- specifically, issues involving sexual repression. And frankly, you shouldn't be with a guy like that. Your sexual preferences and history have no weight on whether you are a good person or girlfriend material.
He should feel lucky to have such a hot, adventurous woman who loves him and enjoys trying new, fun, and novel sexual exploits. Who we are in bed isn't always who we are in life. I'm a total dom in the streets and a submissive in the sheets. It's what I like and I'm not apologizing for it.
Sex is a place to explore power dynamics, comfort levels, and pleasure in unusual, interesting, and safe ways. I really don't want you to lose that playfulness. And you owe it to yourself to be with someone who is excited to share these experiences with you.
My guess? He probably hasn't been with a woman as daring as you. But that doesn't mean he's not totally into your kinkiness, babe. So talk it out and get some clarity on his feelings.
Cheers to more kinky sex for you, and fewer doubts about your man. I truly hope everything works out because we all deserve a caring guy who adores our dom-queen attitudes in bed (or whoever you want to be).
Love your favorite internet auntie,
Gigi xoxo
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