Sex Tips for Boring People: Small Penises, Lasting Longer, and Cheating Hearts

Sex Tips for Boring People will take your sex life from vanilla to passion fruit. Or at least from vanilla to vanilla bean. Find more sexy advice right here.

miniature cucumbers small penis
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When is a penis ACTUALLY small?

If she tells you to put it in, and it is already in, that is probably too small. But if we are looking for actual measurements here, it's a little difficult to qualify. If she (or he) likes what you're putting on the table, then who cares how big it is? Oh... you do. OK, well in that case...

King’s College London conducted a recent analysis of "normal" penis sizes in order to help doctors counseling patients with body dysmorphic disorder, an anxiety disorder relating to body image. Seventeen studies were conducted involving more than 15,000 men. The results? The average length of a flaccid penis was 3.6in -- less than the size of one of those mini Chiquita bananas. The average length of an erect penis was about 5.1in. To put those numbers in perspective, an unaroused vagina is 3 or 4in deep on average; and obviously expands a little bit when a woman is turned on. If your penis is longer than 5in, there’s kind of nowhere for it to go.

So really, anything bigger than a micropenis is basically fine. But if you ABSOLUTELY need to put a value to it and we are relying on science, anything smaller than 3.6in would probably be considered small.

What are the best ways for a guy to last longer?

Listen, mishaps during sex happen ALL the time. The only time sex is absolutely breathtakingly perfect is in a poem. That said, if your sexual mishap is that you tend to finish early, it's understandable why you and your partner might be feeling a tad unsatisfied. This isn’t an abnormal problem, so don't go hanging your head just yet: there are plenty of ways to get your endurance up to run that sexual marathon.

"If you struggle with early ejaculation, there are a couple things you can do to last longer in bed," says Dr. Laura Berman, PhD, a sex and relationship educator and therapist, as well as a New York Times best-selling author and assistant clinical professor of OB-GYN and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. "One is personal training. Outside the pressure of a sexual encounter, you can train yourself to last longer through self-stimulation. If level eight for a guy is the point of no return, with 10 being all the way there, he can do something called the start/stop technique on his own. He self-stimulates until he gets to a five, six, seven and before he gets to an eight he stops, takes a deep breath, and gets himself back down to a four or a five and then starts stimulating again. Over time he'll train his body to last longer so that when he’s with an actual partner he can use the same skill set."  

Other tips she recommends? FOREPLAY. And no, this isn't women propaganda, fellas. Honest! The secret to great sex is great foreplay. Dr. Berman confirms that only 30% of women orgasm through intercourse, so if she’s already satisfied by the time you get to intercourse then there isn't that added pressure on homeboy to last an eternity. "It takes the average man 7.5 minutes to orgasm. It takes the average woman 20 minutes, so there's already an arousal gap. A lot of foreplay will help to close it."

man with red shirt fingers crossed
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I'm in a long-term, committed relationship of five years. But every so often I find myself in situations that turn into one-night stands or heavy flirting. I think it's natural, but haven't told my partner. Am I normal?

Well, you definitely aren't abnormal. Nor are you alone. But the biggest error here is that you are keeping it from your partner. What's considered "normal" for relationships is totally variable -- we are no longer confined, for the most part, by relationship restrictions that deem heterosexual monogamy as the only normal relationship. But a relationship is based on a dialogue between two people (or three, if you’re into that), and as a result, everyone in that relationship needs to be on the same page.

There are plenty of reasons why a person cheats or feels the need to cheat. The first step is to recognize why you're stepping out. Are you sexually dissatisfied? Is there underlying hostility toward your partner about something? Are you straight-up not attracted to your partner anymore? Just plain bored? Generally speaking, if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, you shouldn't be messing around with other people... unless both partners are explicitly aware of the terms.

No one is forcing you to be in a relationship, so if you aren't happy being in one... you CAN leave. Allow that thought to sink in. And then keep it in your pants until you figure it out.

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Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist. All of her dates are tax deductible. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter: @drillinjourneys.