The key to any perfectly executed seduction is the soundtrack. And because I don't want you to fail, I’m going to make sure you don’t make the libido-killing error of putting a song on for romantic company without first considering the lyrics. Follow this guide and never again will you make the stunningly poor decision of cranking up the volume on a poorly thought-out musical selection, gazing into that pretty girl’s eyes, and belting out “Love, love will tear us apart...”
"Love the One You’re With," Stephen Stills
This song feels like a motivational speech worth sharing. It’s not. Beware the panic you’ll feel as your partner registers the chorus, “And if you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with,” and subsequently judges you on past escapades. Or worse -- have her end up crying about the one that got away while you offer her the tissues you’re going to miss when you have to rub one out on your own later.
"Possession," Sarah McLachlan
They say to write what you know. And who knows better than a true-blue stalker? “I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard and take your breath away... ” Think about that the next time you’re listening to this woman’s music set as background score to images of sad puppies and kittens. Make sure your date is within 1,000ft of a police station when this tune comes on. He or she will feel a lot safer.
"You’re Sixteen," Ringo Starr
This number-one hit about teenage love is great, unless you’re a 34-year-old father of three singing along and completely missing the part when Ringo kisses a young girl then lures her into his car. Unless you’re into that type of thing and have a white van -- in which case, Chris Hansen is waiting at your front door.
"Across the Sea," Weezer
This pervy song about an 18-year-old from Japan will freeze and shatter organs otherwise meant for procreation. “I sniff and I lick your envelope, and fall to little pieces every time” -- Rivers, are you ok? “I wonder how you decorate your room, I wonder how you touch yourself... ” This is creeping me out. Has the NSA connected to my computer?
"You Got Lucky," Tom Petty
Be prepared for singledom if you think it’s wise to share with your crush a Tom Petty song dedicated to a woman who took advantage of him. “Good love is hard to find, you got lucky babe, when I found you.” When you’re looking deep into each other’s eyes and you sing this chorus, a pit will grow in their stomach; and the smile once was there will disappear.
"Star Star," The Rolling Stones
The phrase “star f*@ker” is repeated 15 times in this song. That’s all you need to know. What begins as a typical “missing you” bluesy rock tune turns into a gossipy mess about her most recent LA adventures; including fellatio with movie stars and the cleanliness of her precious lady parts. Once it’s all aired out, what’s left? Mick would still hit it. Your significant other won’t.
"I’ve Been Loving You Too Long," Otis Redding
Begging is so not a good look. If the writing’s on the wall, best to read it and move on. Love’s grown cold. She wants to be free. Newsflash: she’s not interested. Get the net.
"Private Eyes," Hall and Oates
This one is for the romantic voyeur, or so I thought. Perfectly timed handclaps can distract from anything -- even a pencil-stabbing in a psych ward. “What my head overlooks, the senses will show to my heart, when it's watching for lies, you can't escape my private eyes... ” This song brings up all sorts of questions about your intentions. The more you sing this out loud, the more your partner will wonder why you seem to know everything about their day, where their parents live, and what they ate for breakfast that morning.
"The One I Love," REM
If this song was only the first line, it would be a fine choice to sing to the object of your affection. But it’s not. So don’t. “This one goes out to the one I left behind,” Oops! “A simple prop to occupy my time” -- now you’ve done it. I was just singing what Michael Stipe was singing. He also told me to vote, so I’m conflicted. See also: “Love The One You’re With.”
"Run For Your Life," The Beatles
I know the song title makes it pretty clear: this might be a love song for psychopaths. Plenty of Lennon’s songs are about peace and love, but this ain’t one. “Run For Your Life” is all about jealousy, intimidation, and murderous threats. No fewer than 13 times does he allude to killing this woman if she leaves him for someone else. If you’re looking for a way to get out of a relationship quick, this is the song for you. Put it on repeat for an extra-fast departure.