Have an Important Decision to Make? Consider Masturbating.

Cartoon of main polishing red rocket
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

Consider masturbating before important decisions. Why, you ask? Excellent question. Exxxcellent with three X’s.

We’ve all fallen victim, at one point or another, to the temptation of saying yes to an enticing, attractive offer.

Maybe it's that brand-new gold-plated hoverboard, perhaps it's the newest Apple device, or maybe it's that lone foxy woman -- enveloped in smoke -- in the corner of the bar giving you bedroom eyes. No matter the person or product, a quick decision that's made without consultation can result in buyer's remorse. The hoverboard explodes, the iPhone gets discontinued, and then you find out that hottie with the bedroom eyes also has bedroom crabs.

One has to consult someone or something to make sure the decision they're making isn't a terrible one and I firmly believe that the consultation in question should be done in the form of masturbation.

To help prove my excellent point, I talked to registered marriage and family therapy intern and sexologist, Nicoletta Heidegger.

"After a man has an orgasm, the body releases two hormones into the body: oxytocin and prostaglandin," says Nicoletta. "At the same time,  he goes through a refractory period -- where the body calms down and relaxes -- and the guy feels sleepy. It's the sympathetic nervous system calming down."

The hormones in the body have "shown to have an antidepressant-like effect" and can lead to an overall clear head, which allows people to make more educated decisions. I say "can lead," because Nicoletta tells me that not every man has a normal refractory period. Sometimes, in fact, a man can have multiple orgasms in just a few minutes -- but that's rare. She goes on to talk about the specific type of man who would benefit from pre-decision masturbation.

"If someone works well under a heightened level of anxiety, then do not masturbate -- that could be helpful. But, if you want to feel relaxed and feel grounded, masturbation might help. Really, it's because of the refractory period. If you're not as distracted with the idea of having sex, you can focus on making a decision. You already got off, so you won't be thinking with those hormones that want you to have sex." The question is… do people actually jerk off before making bad decisions?

Masturbation chair
Ctac/Wikipedia

Enter: the Stallion. At least, that's what everyone called him. A friend at work, upon hearing the subject matter of this story, immediately pulled me aside and told me of his legendary friend who everyone called Stallion.

"Honestly, he was the trashiest guy I've ever met," said my friend, who I assume wished to remain anonymous. "He used to sleep with, like, every girl he met. At one point, he was doing it so much and felt so bad about it, that he implemented a system.

"Whenever he knew he was going to go home with a girl, he'd run into the bathroom and jerk off. If he still wanted to go home with the girl, he'd -- you know -- go home with them."

"I remember one night after I had received my tax returns," reports one writer who wishes to remain anonymous, "I was feeling hornier than a triceratops in a brass band that exclusively played Luther Vandross songs. I had been seeing someone, but it wasn't serious and she left me quicker than a witty simile. Let me tell you, being horny with extra cash? That's a recipe for disaster. Sweet, sexy disaster. I didn't want to put in the effort to actually go out and try to pick someone up at a bar (I'm lazy, what can I say?), so I decided to peruse Backpage. I ended up calling a number to have a woman sent over, and seconds before confirming, said I would have to call them back in 15 minutes -- once I made sure my roommates would be at work. After almost going through with this, I was feeling kind of wild and my adrenaline was pumping. I was also still horny. Super-duper horny. So, I jerked one quickly to ease the tension and that was that. After I finished, I ended up watching TV and eating half a DiGiorno… completely forgetting I had come moments away from hiring a prostitute."

Masturbation systems of this caliber are far more common than you think. Men make bad decisions -- as do women -- but we've come to rely on the crutch of jerking off to help us filter out the bad ideas from the very bad ideas. You won't find stories like these published in surveys and essays across the internet, instead they live in the hearts and minds of men across the nation, who carry this essential -- albeit NSFW -- "life hack" in the back of their minds at all times.

You'll often find these nuggets of wisdom on Reddit, the place where good ideas are born. One user praised the method as important to use when facing "sexy" dilemmas:

"Masturbation relieves stress, soothes headaches, and is really just a fun way to clear your head. If you're faced with a huge decision -- especially one that's particularly sexy, just take a moment to rub one out. Everyone does it... even monkeys, the OG humans!"

And if you still make a bad decision, at least you've done something good for your health.

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Jeremy Glass is a staff writer at Thrillist and would love to know the story behind the above masturbation chair.