Everything You'll Miss About Living Alone Once You Move in Together

Everything You'll Miss About Living Alone
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist

Sure, sure, living with your S.O. is mostly the best.

It's like having a slumber party with your best friend every night of the week, with insane benefits. Like when you learn that men's deodorant smells so much better and is 100 times more effective than women's deodorant. Or always having someone there to help you locate the weird smell in the fridge, check behind the shower curtain for monsters, and pick up the mail when you forget for a week. Every day unravels new and interesting layers to the human experience, and sharing your space with someone you love can really teach you a few things about yourself.

For example: It can really highlight the benefits you had while living alone. Like these.

Peeing with the door open

Those few extra seconds you save by dropping trow in the hallway and peeing moments later are precious. When you live with your S.O., you have two choices. You can A) go back to closing the door like a person who lives in society and make an effort to keep things mysterious and sexy; or B) pee with the door open and become "that couple that keeps the door open when they go to the bathroom." Lose-lose.

Being able to get dolled up without them being there for the whole process

The best part about casually dating is arriving to dinner totally gorgeous and pulling the "Maybe It's Maybelline" or "I Woke Up Like Dis" magic trick.

When you live with your S.O., if you do get around to a date night, having them watch you try on your SPANX and squat in every dress before deciding on the silver one kind of takes away from the moment of them seeing you in the final product. It's a little bit trickier to pull off the "wow" factor when your date knows there is a synthetic, flesh-colored vortex holding your thighs in.

Being able to order Ben & Jerry's for delivery and not having to justify why you are a garbage human to anyone

When you live with somebody, things you used to do without thinking about them suddenly make you self-conscious. For example: faking an ankle injury to justify ordering Ben & Jerry’s for delivery. There's suddenly a big shining spotlight on your weird habits demanding you remedy them or stifle them deep, deep down inside yourself and live a lie the rest of your life.

Ugh -- love is HARD, you guys.

Being able to talk on the phone wherever you want, whenever you want, at any volume you want

I'm a loud talker. It's in my DNA. No matter how many times I tell myself, "Jamie, it's a telephone and its whole job is to transfer your sound to the person on the other end," I still can't help but reflexively throw my angelic voice like a football referee in attempts to cut through space and radio frequencies and God knows WHAT kind of background noise the person on the other end is dealing with.

This, I've learned, doesn't make me that much fun to be around when I'm on the phone.

But also, hey, wait a minute, I live here too, why do I need to leave the room? Why don't YOU leave the room!? Know what I mean?

Having to buy toilet paper two times less frequently

You can't imagine the amount of supplies you go through when you add another body to your humble abode. Endless amounts of toilet paper, paper towels, and tissues seem to evaporate into thin air. Every water cup you own will always be used and sitting around with old water in it and never, EVER be in the cupboard clean and waiting for you.

Sometimes I buy Chapstick in bulk and stash it under the mattress, just so I know it's there in case of emergencies.

Space

I don't know why I didn't see this one coming.

When someone moves in with you, you have to split all your space in halfsies. When my S.O. first moved in, he one day walked into the living room carrying all of my nail polish (in my very practical nail polish bin) and asked me, "Um. Where does this, like, go….?" and I was surprised. My response was, "Wherever you found it is where I keep it, OBVIOUSLY."

It was then that I learned not everyone uses the space beneath their coats, beside the vacuum, behind the step stool as a nail salon. Isn't life funny?

At the end of the literal and metaphorical day, it's better to have your loved one with you than not. But if you haven't made the big move yet, you pee with that door open and you enjoy the hell out of it. And when you do, think of us who have moved on into an albeit smaller but better place.

Good luck and good night.

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Jamie LeeLo is a comedian, writer, and bulldog enthusiast. She hosts her own show, Brunch Night!, currently performing at Caroline's on Broadway. She is also a regular stand-up comedian and improviser. She spends most of her time hanging out on the street waiting for ice cream and taco trucks to go by. Try to keep up with her on Twitter and JamieLeeLo.com.