How to get out of the doghouse the right way

Photo Courtesy Of MustangTripp

Being stuck in your girlfriend's doghouse is a bitch -- no matter what you did or what you do, you're going to be living there awhile. Try these tips, and make sure "awhile" doesn't become "until you hit man-opause."

  • No presents, please. Any swag, albeit well-intentioned, insults our integrity -- even legitimately sentimental stuff borders on bribery. The only exception is flowers: her favorite kind (good luck there), delivered in person ("begging for forgiveness" should never be outsourced.)
  • I’m not sorry. Don’t apologize unless you actually regret your indiscretion, and it’s an indiscretion worth regretting. Scrap these subpar expressions of sorrow:
    -The Resignation Apology: conceding our point because you’re whipped, even if we're being unreasonable. We’d rather be dating the Dude Who Screwed Up than the Dude With No Backbone. -The Defeatist Apology: given just so the argument will be over -- nobody likes a patronizer, unless it's an appliance that makes tequila.-The Scumbag Apology: given to get back into our pants, before you screw up again tomorrow.
  • Give us time. Waiting, in a word, works. The only thing more upsetting than whatever you did is expecting us to reconcile ourselves to it on your timeline instead of our much slower timeline. When we’re ready to end the standoff, you’ll know. That said...
  • Don’t stop trying. Giving us space doesn’t mean you’re relieved of the duty to make gestures of reconciliation; it means that your gestures have to be more subtle, so we can more easily refuse to acknowledge them. So instead of sleeping on our porch, try soliciting our best friend to play “He hates that he hurt you” messenger, and make sure people she knows see you looking miserable/pathetic in situations where non-heartbroken dudes are having fun.