In Bed With Gigi Engle: I Think My Boyfriend Has Erectile Dysfunction

in bed with gigi engle
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

Welcome to In Bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationships writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes to anal, unrequited love to cheating: We want to hear it all.

For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com.

Hi Gigi,

I've been seeing a guy for two months and I'm really into him. I'm realizing there may be some long-term compatibility here and he says he feels the same.

Here's the thing: He can't get hard. At first, he just couldn't stay hard. Now, it's null. We hook up and he does everything he can to get me off (and is very good at it). But he doesn't want me to handle his penis, doesn't want me to go down on him... doesn't want me to even try and get him off in any way because he says he knows it's not going to work.

The two times I've tried to talk to him about it, I could tell he felt awful. Both times, he left my house almost immediately after I brought it up.

I'm a really sexual girl, and our sex life is important to me. What's more, it's making me feel insecure. Is this my fault? We're only in our 20s, and the scarcity of boners is bringing a lot of tension to what otherwise is a really lighthearted new relationship. I don't want this to be a deal-breaker. How do I date a guy with ED without it ruining us?

-- E

Hey E!

First of all, I will have none of this self-blame BS about your boyfriend's boner problems. This has NOTHING to do with you, your body, or your skills in the bedroom. Why would a guy date you for two months, get all up in your body, and say he saw long-term potential if he wasn't actually attracted to you? That makes no sense.

This has NOTHING to do with you, your body, or your skills in the bedroom.
The only way to overcome this hurdle is to sit him down and have an open discussion.

This is a physical or emotional problem your BOYFRIEND has. Not you!

You're right to communicate with him about this. You have to establish those open lines early on, and I'm proud of you for taking the initiative. Am I surprised homeboy was not too enthused? No, not really. Men are really weird about their penises. And I can't blame them -- there's an insane amount of pressure on guys to get it up and make sex last. Not being able to get a boner can make a lot of men feel emasculated and powerless. And those feelings don't really inspire guys to talk.

Tell him how much you like him, and explain that you are just trying to understand what is going on. This about finding solutions; not harping on problems.

Instead of being raised to discuss their feelings or insecurities, men are too often taught to "be a man" and "toughen up." So instead of being receptive to your questions, he shut you out and left. The only way to overcome this hurdle is to sit him down and have an open discussion. Tell him how much you like him, and explain that you are just trying to understand what is going on. This is about finding solutions; not harping on problems.

What your boyfriend really needs is a medical professional. There are ways to get around ED; but first he has to figure out if it's a physical or emotional blockage he's dealing with, and address it from there. You being as supportive as possible will only help.

If he wants nothing to do with any of this, then this guy is not ready for a girlfriend. You should never sign up to be in a relationship with an insecure person who's unwilling to address glaring issues in the relationship.

Obviously, there are plenty of ways to derive pleasure from sexual experiences that don't involve P in the V. But they all tend to feel a little unsatisfactory when the P is off the table entirely, don't they? If you're having a sexual experience with your boyfriend, but he's not getting off in any way, it can feel a little jarring.

You are only two months in, and this is already a pretty glaring issue. Are you willing to be in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't get hard? Two months in, you should be tearing each other's clothes off; not already going through sexual distress. This wasn't a problem that developed over time: It's been THE problem from the very beginning… eight weeks ago. It's a pretty huge issue to be dealing with so early on.

This wasn't a problem that developed over time: It's been THE problem from the very beginning.

If you're unhappy now, you're probably only going to become progressively more unhappy. Think about it: If he won't so much as discuss it, where can this relationship even go?

Love your favorite internet auntie,
XOXO Gigi

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For questions on relationships, sex, or anything else, email Auntie Gigi at AskGigi@thrillist.com. Follow her on Twitter, iTunesFacebook, and Instagram. For more In Bed with Gigi Engle, click here.